What the HELL is the Deal with Mountain Goats?

All right. There's no denying that certain people/animals/viruses on this planet have certain "amazing" attributes (i.e. Michael Jordan is really good at basketball, ants are really good at carrying things that should be physically impossible for them to carry, I am really good at being the best person on the planet, etc etc).

Anyway, all amazing attributes anyone on earth could have are pathetic in comparison to those found within the mountain goat. Otherwise, how the HELL could this happen:


If you can't figure out what that is, it's a damn mountain goat chillin' on the side of a cliff. Here's another one:


Now I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Well hey there! There must be a reasonable explanation for these fantastic happenings!"

Well you're freaking wrong. There is no reasonable explanation as to how and why any animal can be this good at acrobatics and climbing. If you look closely at these pictures, you'll notice that none of the mountain goats found above have wings. Therefore, the only conclusion I must make is that mountain goats are magical.

Not magical in a "illusionist" sense, but rather, in an "able to hover on the side of a cliff" sense.

Mountain goats might be the coolest animals I have ever seen. I mean, how much time and energy did this mountain goat have to go through to be able to lick this rock? The process of going about being in this position seems so preposterous to me to begin with, but the fact that this dude was like "Eff it. I'm lickin' this rock. Screw physics."

Well, that just makes me respect mountain goats even more.

That had to be the best damn tasting rock ever.

All Banks Suck Except for Mine

Granted, I don't have any banks yet, but when I do, they are going to be the coolest things in the world.

I am displeased with the monotony found in today's banks. I think that banks should not just be a place where money transactions occur, but also a place for entertainment. When I own my own chain of banks, I will have several key components to my banks that will make them way, way better than any of my lame-ass competitors.

Component #1Everyone working behind a desk must be dressed like the Monopoly guy. I don't know what his name is, and don't feel like taking two seconds to Google his name, but you know who I'm talking about. But what if the person behind the desk is a female, you ask? Don't care. Everyone will be dressed in the appropriate uniform.


Component #2

Aren't you supposed to feel super happy when you all of a sudden gain a bunch of money? Well, I do, and I feel like the only thing that could make me feel any better is if there were loud sound effects helping to describe the actions I'm taking. (On a side note - there really ought to be sound effects for everything we do, but that's an entirely different story).

Anyway, at my banks, whenever you take a large sum of money out of my bank, we will ring our bell to replicate the sound made within Super Mario games whenever you acquire a coin. Yes, at my banks, whenever you take out money, the exact dollar amount will be multiplied by four. The amount of "coin rings" will correlate completely with how many quarters your are taking out. If there is extra change on the side, I will round up and have the coin sound ring once more.


Component #3Red carpets. There need to be more red carpets everywhere, especially at the bank. Red carpets are just cool in general, because I say so. And they go well with Component #4, which is:

Component #4Everyone taking out any sum of money will receive a pair of sunglasses and have their picture taken. This finishes off your experience at my bank, making you feel like a movie star and wanting to come back for more.


I can't wait to rule the banking world.

How Does Dubble Bubble Stay in Business?

If you enjoy Dubble Bubble, you either have no soul or are dead. Or dying, I suppose.

Dubble Bubble is the worst gum of all time. I want to know who in the world is out there buying supplies of Dubble Bubble, pushing the company's profits just high enough to be able to stay in business. There's no way their company can be thriving. Otherwise, there would be no justice in the world.

I refuse to believe that anyone goes to the store searching for gum (or even bubble gum for that matter) and decides that Dubble Bubble is their best choice.

The next time you put a piece of Dubble Bubble gum into your mouth, count how many seconds it takes for every last bit of flavoring to be depleted from the gum.

After you count to about 5, you'll realize that you're out of flavor and will begin looking for the nearest trash can to spit it out into.

Then, after you spit out the gum, seriously ask yourself how you acquired this Dubble Bubble gum. If you bought it, I assume it was for experimental purposes only.

If you got it from a friend, never talk to them again. They are a horrible, horrible person.

Toothpicks are for Douches

I have decided that anyone who carries around a toothpick in their mouth at all times is a complete douche.

My reasoning for this is, that they (douches) necessitate something hard being in their mouth at all times.

Instead of pushing the sexual innuendo here, I'm instead going to state that I think each and every one of you twerps (yes, I called you twerps), who enjoy chewing on toothpicks are actually trying to cover up your stupidity with overzealous body language.

You know how I can tell? Because every time you're discussing something, you decide, "Hmmm... I'm going to take this toothpick out of my mouth and point it at the person I'm talking to in order to gesture that I actually have a clue as to what I'm talking about."

But you don't have a clue of what you're talking about. You never do. That's why you chew toothpicks.

Plus you wish you had a cigarette in your mouth, because that's what people who smoke cigarettes do.

My logic is undeniable.

Douche.

Blizzard Sucks at Getting Things Done on Time

With the recent announcement of Diablo III finally in the works from Blizzard, I have to take some time and scoff at people who think that they'll actually be playing the game within the next decade.

Anyone really excited about a Blizzard announcement should take some time and really think about how much time passes between a Blizzard announced "Release Date" and an actual Blizzard release date.

You know what would have been a really fun game to play? StarCraft: Ghost.

On the XBOX.

In 2002.

Maybe if they wouldn't have pussy-footed around and made sweet-ass opening cinematics, they would have spent more time on actually finishing the damn game.

The fact that StarCraft: Ghost was never released pissed me off to such an extent that I refuse to get excited at any Blizzard announcement ever again.

It's one thing if a game developer wants to delay a game awhile in order to refine it to ensure it runs properly.

It's another thing altogether to get us all excited and then NEVER RELEASE THE GAME.

I laugh at people who think that Blizzard's going to release something on time. Especially with 3-4 games in the works right now (StarCraft II, Diablo III, some World of WarCraft thing, StarCraft Ghost?) don't expect to see anything anytime soon.

My New Favorite Commercial

This Dunkin' Donuts commercial came on TV the other night, and the entire 30 seconds, I was in shock. With my DVR, I rewound over and over again until I had watched this thing about 10 times:




Dunkin' Donuts now needs to do several things:

1. Make an entire series of these commericials, because the music is amazingly awesome.

2. Make an entire series of these guys for TV, where hopefully this song will be playing in the background the entire 30 minutes.

3. Give me an unlimited supply of Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee for totally unintentionally advertising for them.

Ticks

Where the hell are ticks hiding?

Every time I go outside and walk around for a period of one second or more, I'm bombarded with a catastrophic amount of ticks crawling over me. Catastrophic.

Well, maybe not that many ticks, but it's still annoying as hell.

So where the hell are these little things hiding? I mean, have you ever sat down and looked in the grass? There's nothing but grass there.

I have come to the conclusion that ticks are invisible. Until they touch something, of course. It's the only logical explanation.

Also, what was that television show "The Tick" about? Wasn't that guy from Seinfeld in it?

Just Watched "The Lost World"

So after many years of avoiding the Jurassic Park sequels, I finally watched The Lost World the other night. And it was god awful.

At the ending of the movie, when the credits started to roll, I was flabbergasted to see that Stephen Spielberg directed it. It made me really think critically about the whole notion that Stephen Spielberg is an excellent director.

I mean, how good of a director can you be if you contributed greatly to movies like and The Lost World and A.I. : Artificial Intelligence?

I mean, he did direct Saving Private Ryan and Raiders of the Lost Arc, but he also directed The Temple of Doom, which was absolutely horrible, no matter how much you adored that movie as a kid.

I mean come on, there is nothing good about that movie, period. Tell me something that was good about that movie and I'll shut up, but until then you guys need to re-watch that because it's not as good as you remember it being.

But anyway, as for The Lost World, which I am certain was only written on the premise of, "Hey, we totally gotta get a dinosaur to the U.S.!! That would be totally rad!!" ..was bad. But it did have one redeeming factor:

Vince Vaughn popped up in this movie. And that is freakin' hysterical.

ichat + PCs = FAIL

It is complete bullshit that PC users can't use ichat.

I can understand if Apple gets pissy over the fact that some of the people in this world don't want to buy a stupid Mac, (because maybe we don't want a camera watching us at all times) but they could at least optimize their software for use on hardware other than their own.

Although software like Skype and ooVoo are all right and work perfectly fine for video conferencing software, Mac users in general are a pain in the ass.

I have not met a Mac user yet who is willing to download video conferencing software that will enable them to be able to video chat with PC users. I have thereby come to the conclusions that all Mac users are all lazy douchebags.

I understand that AOL Instant Messager is capable of connecting with ichat, but the video quality is absolutely horrible. Nobody in their right mind would ever seek out software like that unless it was an absolute last resort, like it is in this instance.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: Apple - stop being hoity-toity douchebags, please.

And this is just a minor detail. Think about how many other ways Apple's hoity-toitiness has screwed the world over.

Perpetual Motion

I refuse to believe that perpetual motion is not possible.

Obviously, many people claim that perpetual motion is an "impossibility" due to the laws of physics that command the world in which we live in.

I think that this is a horrible stance to take because I have several ideas as to how I believe humanity can create perpetual motion, and I believe I will elaborate on them here:

1. MagicPeople who like to call themselves "scientists" generally mock the idea of magic and ignorantly decree that it's nothing but illusionary acting. I say SCREW THEM. Magic is totally awesome, and I bet David Blaine could totally make a perpetual motion device.


2. WitchcraftSlightly differing from magic, witchcraft uses more spiritual means to attain its ends. Now, we might have a lack of witches (or wizards) currently in the public, but I believe there are measures we can take to get some to come out of the woodwork. For instance, what if we gave them a reward? Like some gold or something.


3. PsychicsIf psychics can read minds and/or predict the future, why can't they tell us how to break physics? I think we all know they're hiding something.


4. PretendingConfusing at first, this idea is brilliant. First, what one needs to do is pretend they've finally invented a perpetual motion device.

Then, they need to sell it (probably to some oil-rich Middle Eastern country fellow).

Then the "inventor" needs to take the trillions of dollars from the deal and run and go pay some other guy to come up with a perpetual motion device. With enough money, I bet that other guy will be able to come up with something.


5. Time TravelIf we invent a means to travel to the future, we can travel to a time where they've already invented a perpetual motion device. Then we can come back to our dimension with the knowledge and have it for our own.


It's just that simple, people.

Is Corn Really Food?

I've come to the conclusion the corn isn't really food.

Have you ever looked into the toilet after digesting a meal filled with corn on the cob?

Well, if you haven't, (but I'm sure you have) you're sure to find a lot of exactly what you ate: a boatload of undigested kernels of corn.

It's gross, I know, but it's something that has to be discussed. And discussed thoroughly.

Is it worth eating a food that doesn't go anywhere except through a few tubes and then into your septic tank?


I report. You decide.

Hulk Movie

Why is there a new Hulk movie coming out?

There was just a Hulk movie. FIVE YEARS AGO.

There is no legitimate reason as to why there should be a remake, or a "re-imagining" of a movie, especially a movie with a plot line this dull (some dude gets angry and thus gets big and green) this quickly.

I don't care how good of an actor Edward Norton is.
I don't care that the first one was horrible.
I don't care that this new one will be "more true" to the comic books.

It's just stupid.

"Natural Male Enhancement"

There is nothing more creepy than a "natural male enhancement" commercial.

Enzyte, with their horrifying marketing campaign, caused me to have this opinion.

I refuse to believe that anyone sees one of these commercials, with everyone smiling intensely and looking like a mannequin, and thinks, "Hey, my junk is inadequate too!"

Why do all of these natural male enhancement commercials try to hide what they really are: penis pills. That's what I'm going to call the drug that I invent that helps older men get it on in bed.

Penis Pills. It even has a little alliteration thing going on there, see?

Although, I can't really foresee any reason I would ever be involved in a scientific team's creation of a new type of pill to increase blood flow in the underpants.

Wouldn't it be pretty scary to be the guy who has to try out the pills before they're put out into the public? I wonder if they experiment the pills on mice.

All right, I'm done thinking about this for the rest of my life.

Vault = Surge

I was recently drinking one of Coca Cola's latest attempts to ripoff Mountain Dew, this one called Vault.

It sparked something inside the brains of my taste buds that got them to remembering a taste they tasted long ago.

Vault is Surge. It tastes exactly how I remember Surge tasting.

If you don't remember Surge, you're probably under the age of 15 or over the age of 30. Me and all of my friends were addicted to the overly-caffeinated taste of Mountain Dew + more sugar.

It was the cool drink. And you could tell, because people who drank it also rode skateboards. And skateboards are cool because commercials tell me they are.

The thing is, Surge was cool and Vault isn't. Nobody cares.

Visit here to try to help the brave people fighting to get Surge back.

Comb overs

There is nothing more funny than a blatant comb over.

I had a professor in my statistics class this year who was very, very obviously completely bald. Instead of embracing his baldness and/or cutting his hair to be very short on the sides and back of his head, he decided to do something else.

He decided to only grow hair on the right side of his head, thereby having a foot's worth of hair to curl over the rest of his scalp, giving the illusion that he actually did have hair.

Except you'd have to be a complete moron to actually to actually fall for it.

So what I'm trying to say is this: if you're completely bald and want to do something to make the world smile, please only grow the hair on the right side of your face. It's hilarious.

Mac Webcams = Big Brother

I have come to the conclusion that Apple is Big Brother.

My reasoning for this is the creepy as hell fact that there is a camera in every single Apple laptop, creepily watching everything you do. It's creepy.

How can any Mac laptop computer owner feel comfortable with a camera on them at all times?

It's only a matter of time until Apple is sold to the government, and the government requires that these cameras be turned on at all times.

Then, the government will put a mustached fellow on each laptop with cameras in his eyes. Then it will be called Big Brother. Then everyone will yell, "Holy crap! That whole 1984 thing was really good at predicting the horrible path that Apple would take lolz."

And thus will be the end of the world.

Scratching Your Back

Why in the world can't we scratch every part of our backs? It's a bunch of hullabaloo (yes, hullabaloo) that I can't scratch the dead center of my back.

How can it be possible that our bodies can suck so much. Looking at my blog on how much we suck at evolving from yesterday, I just can't help but hate on humanity's evolutionary patterns. Because they suck.

I shouldn't have to grab a stick and/or other person to scratch my back. I should have arms that can reach any part of my body, without having to resort to growing out my fingernails to disgustingly long lengths.

I'm assuming that's why people who grow out their fingernails do so, to scratch their backs...


This guy must have had a really bad itch.

Kangaroos Rule

Kangaroos are pretty much the coolest animal in the world. Not only is every single kangaroo a professional boxer, but they also have built-in pockets. See the kangaroo's kid chillin' there in the pocket? That's the life.

It's just not fair, pockets are awesome. I use them for carrying things and stuff.

I want to evolve to have a pocket. Granted, I realize that like kangaroos, I'd probably have to carry a stupid baby in it for awhile. But after that, it could come in really useful.


Here are some of the things that I would finally be able to carry around at all times if I had a pouch/pocket:


A laptop
Laptops are handy for when I think of something unimpressive to write about. Sometimes, like when I'm in the middle of the rainforest, I think, "Man, if only I had a laptop, I could write about something right now."


A garbage canSometimes you're walking around with food, and after unwrapping and devouring said food, you're stuck with a plastic wrapper. Then all of a sudden your nice outdoor adventure turns into a time-wasting search for a garbage can. It would be awesome to be able to have a garbage can inside you.


Video Games + TVVideo games are fun, and they're even more fun if you have a TV to play them on. If I had a huge pouch on my belly, I might consider bringing around a television and video game system to play with wherever I go.


So anyway, yeah. Humans suck at evolving compared to kangaroos.

Things I miss from the Old Days of the Internet

You know what more websites need? Animated Gifs.

I remember the old days, when everyone on earth used crappy WYSIWYG software to throw together a sloppy website. 10 years ago, no one could go without throwing in a bunch of random Gifs everywhere.

You just couldn't stop yourself from doing it. I know I threw my share of animated Gifs all over the place in my first websites (which I made in elementary school, mind you).

You know what else you never see anymore? Counters.


Counters were the funnest thing in the world to mess with. You'd go to some kid's website on Nintendo or Pokemon or thermodynamics and you'd see that only 40 people had ever visited the site. Then you'd hit refresh and see the counter go up. Then you'd hit refresh 4,000 more times.

Although, I might have been the only person to ever find that entertaining.

CDs don't want to be bought

I don't think CDs (compact disks) actually want to be bought. Or at least if they do, they're not trying very hard.

In the world of free downloads with services like Limewire, Kazaa, and Bittorrent, buying a CD makes you a loser. When was the last time you bought a CD? If you remember, you are a loser.

How have CDs combated this unbelievably low download price of zero? By not lowering their prices as a result of lower demand, that's how!

Now, the whole price thing doesn't bother me much. What causes me to think that CDs don't want to be bought is the fact that not only do they "cost money," but they are more importantly impossible to be opened. It is impossible to open that plastic, and if you think you can open it easily, you are a liar.

I think I might create a company where I hire large amounts of employees to provide the service of opening the plastic wrapped around compact disks. Although it might not be successful because record companies haven't figured out that they should lower the prices of their CDs yet. Damn.

How to Judge Art

I've come to realize that every single person in this world (other than me) has a lot of trouble deciphering the difference between good art and bad art.

Some people might say it's impossible to tell what's good and what's bad when it comes to art and I'm here to say those people are wrong.

The only factor one should consider when determining a work of art's goodness is its size. The bigger the art, the better. Amazingly simple as it may be, this is the best way to truly critique art.

There is no downfall to this system of measurement.

So how do you tell what's good art? Well, let's take two pieces of art and try to figure out which is the better art together. The two pieces of artwork that I will be examining the "goodness" of are:

The Mona Lisa
and The Statue of Liberty


The Mona Lisa comes in at 31 x 21 inches in length. The Statue of Liberty comes in at approximately 12 acres.

The Statue of Liberty is obviously therefore a much better work of art.

Try this at home. It's applicable to every form of art and is a fun and easy way to judge other people's work.

Furby

Furbies were really, really creepy.

That is all.

The Monopoly Guy.

Why wasn't the Monopoly guy a board piece? Depending on the board game you have, you'll generally have a choice of having one of the following board pieces:

• Wheelbarrow
• Battleship
• Guy on horse
• Car
• Train
• Thimble
• Cannon
• Shoe
• Dog
• Iron
• Top Hat

None of these are the Monopoly guy.

Whose idea was it to make a damn wheelbarrow board piece?


Does anybody ever reach for the thimble in the mad dash for favorite board pieces before starting a game of Monopoly?

It just doesn't make sense that one of the most famous board game celebrities ever would not have a miniaturized version of himself in his own game.

It pisses me off. He has a sweet mustache and cane.

Lava: Nature's Poop?

I was reading an article on a Chilean Volcano exploding today and it got me thinking.

You hear of nature lovers talking about how the earth is a living thing, etc., but you never really hear of the earth doing anything that all living things do. I mean, yeah, you can say that the earth enables growth and stuff, but that's not cool.

I began reminiscing about about one of the greatest books ever: Everyone Poops.

And I realized, if the earth is a living thing, then it has to poop.

I then proceeded to connect the dots between these two lines of thought and realized that lava is poop and volcanoes are like butts.

I then proceeded to realize how immature my sense of humor is.

Movie Reviews by Me

Just in case any of you were wondering what I was busy with this past week, I made a list of every single movie I have ever seen and gave a review (0 to 4 stars) with each movie. This took me many hours and is something you will never do.

So yeah, I am the win, and here's a link to see the list:

http://reviewsbytaylor.blogspot.com

The "Close Door" Button

The "Close Door" button on the elevator doesn't work guys, stop pressing it.

There are many people I watch every day hit that button, thinking it's making the door close faster. It doesn't work that way, and never will.

It only works with the firefighters' key, morons.

I win.