Sunday, June 27, 2010

What is the motivation of horseflies?


I was outside mowing the lawn the other day, and I couldn't help but notice that I was getting absolute dive-bombed by a swarm of horseflies.

The horseflies that we have in our yard bit me once last year on my back, and I seriously had a noticeable huge one-inch diameter bite for about a month.

Now, whatever. I get the motivation for most insects.

Ants wanna build huge mountains and collect stuff, cool. Bumblebees want to collect pollen and suicide kill you if you get anywhere near them, I get it.

But what I don't understand is how I can be minding my own business, literally no where near anything but grass in a 30 yards in any direction, and all of a sudden finding myself to be in a complete war zone.

To me, there are few things more frightening than knowing there's a horsefly hovering around my head. Wasps and bees might sting you, but usually afterward they give you a "TAKE THAT" and fly away.

Not horseflies, they bite you and bite you. And then, just when you think you killed the horsefly that's been biting you, one of his stupid friends comes and starts dive-bombing you.

Horseflies are nature's terrorists.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Elect Jon Stewart!


What would it be like if Jon Stewart was elected to office? Well, the world has finally given us an example of a satirical comedian being elected to an executive office... and keeping the satirical comedy coming.

Yes, Minnesota might have elected Al Franken to become their latest United States Senator, but once elected, he actually got all serious and stuff.

Iceland, on the other hand, has elected this gentleman named Jon Gnarr, who has decided to not drop his satirical approach to politics. In his acceptance speech, he realized he had to calm the majority of people who did not vote for him in his pluralistic win. What did he say?
No one has to be afraid of the Best Party,” he said, “because it is the best party. If it wasn’t, it would be called the Worst Party or the Bad Party. We would never work with a party like that.
Well, of course, it all makes sense now. But, did he claim to make any absurd promises to grab the attention of the populace? He did? What did he promise?

  • A polar bear display for the zoo
  • Free towels at public swimming pools
  • A Disneyland at the airport
  • A drug-free Parliament by 2020

So, due to global warming, a bunch of polar bears have been swimming to Iceland to try to live and stuff, only to be shot on site. This law now puts them in zoos. And apparently the towel law was meant as a push to begin following European Union laws more closely, along with the fact that the country has a bunch of nice sulfur baths to relax in.

Either way, this is completely awesome. If they can do this, we can. I know I would vote for Jon Stewart.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I don't hate Justin Bieber

Okay, this might allot to me getting some flack, but I've decided that (so far), I don't hate Justin Bieber.

I understand that it's the "cool thing" right now, especially on the Internet, to hate him, but I've decided to not conform to that crowd.

Outside of the fact that he's like 12 and already hanging out with girls that everyone else in the world wants to get with, he's actually got some mad music talent. Besides singing, he's way better than me at drums, actually plays the guitar on his own acoustic versions (it's only like one or two chords, but whatever) he can do this too and I can't, and is pretty cool to little three year old fans.

Now, granted, he doesn't know what "German" means, but this video alone should prove that he's minimally, pretty funny:


I guess at least what I'm saying is that there are celebrities out there who deserve our hate way much more than Justin Bieber.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Brontosaurus: The Fake Dinosaur

Usually I'm pretty up to date with useless, mundane information, but for some reason, I learned something astonishing that I never knew today: this thing never existed:

That's right, we've been living a lie our entire lives. I remember even being taught in school that this thing existed and reading picture books of lies and fallacies in first grade. Even Jurassic Park fed us this falsehood, and it tears me apart (not really) to know that that opening scene from that movie can never happen no matter how much ancient fly blood we drill.

Unbeknown to me, nor anyone who could have notified me earlier, the Brontosaurus was actually a bunch of bones that were put together from more than one Dinosaur.

The curious thing is that they kept going with the notion of this dinosaur even though the final construct didn't actually have a head. I mean, that seems like a pretty important part, right?

What's that, you don't have a head? Well, the most logical thing to do is to obviously just take some other dinosaur head and claim it to be the right one.

That'll solve everything, right? Oh wait, no, you forgot you're dealing with scientists.

Good luck!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Zach Anner and Oprah's Voting Fraud

Okay, so I hadn't gotten around to making a blog post yet, because I didn't figure there would be so much startling news coming out surrounding it.

First off, there is this dude who just happens to be awesome. His name is Zach Anner:



That was the video he posted for Oprah's current contest for her reality television show contest (vote at that link), and he flew to the top very quickly. Now, a lot of people might be thinking of this as a case of hundreds of thousands of people from the Internet feeling sympathy for a man due to his physical condition (cerebral palsy). But this simply is not the case.

The case, is that he's absolutely hysterical and everybody needs to watch his videos:



Great poise and timing, and he's actually gone out of his way to help nay-sayers realize that his idea for a show can be done. His idea for a show in which he travels around in a wheelchair to show that everyone can travel has the potential to be adventurous and inspiring. The Internet isn't coming out in droves to vote for Zach Anner because he's got cerebral palsy, "the sexiest of the palsies," but because they (and I) really do want to see this show come to life.

As I said before, Zach Anner cruised to the top of the list extremely fast, and was leaving everyone else pretty much in the dust (by millions of votes). But, out of no where, this nobody named Dr. Phyllis skyrocketed ahead of Zach by hundreds of thousands of votes.

With the amount of online support that Zach Anner has, there literally is no way that somebody else can possibly beat him. He simply has too much of a force behind him, what with reddit and other, even more powerful forums so strongly on his side.

The skyrocketing of posts (about 300,000 in a matter of TWENTY MINUTES) has been shown in graph form by a member of the reddit community here. This invariably means that Oprah (or more likely, her producers) are selfishly taking control of the contest and rigging it to ensure that the person they want wins. This is disgusting to me, primarily because Zach Anner is awesome, but because the person who's (at the time of this writing) beating him is boring as all hell.

Now, go out there and vote for Zach!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Philadelphia Phillies' Mascot

Seriously, wtf is this:
Does that really count as a mascot? I think that if your mascot is simply an assortment of shapes and colors, it shouldn't really count. I understand that you Philadelphians might think that as long as you throw a uniform on something and cleverly use alliteration to name it (Phillie Phanatic), it can count as a mascot. But that's not how the world works.

In order for a mascot to be motivational and intimidating to any extent, it shouldn't be a nightmare Muppet from Hell with somewhat anthropomorphic characteristics.

I literally laughed aloud when I read the Wikipedia's description of the monster:
"He is a fat, furry, green creature that somewhat resembles a bird from the rear view with a cylindrical beak containing a tongue that sticks out and is one of the most popular and most easily recognized mascots in all of sports."
So.. in the dire late innings of baseball games in Philadelphia, when almost all hope is lost and the fans have all but given up, who do they turn to? A fat green creature that somewhat resembles a bird. Go team!

You know, the more I think of it, the more ingenious having a nightmarish character as your mascot seems to be. I mean, what better way to distract your opponent than by having them see this before going to bat:


Absolutely. Horrifying.

The Most Important Site on the Internet?

Well, I think it might have happened. I think I might have finally found the most important site on the Internet. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that my website is the best site on the Internet, but it may not be the most important.

Now, what might be the specifications and attributes of the most important website on the Internet? Well, I would expect it to diligently follow a few criteria:

1. It should have something to do with movies.

2. It should have something to do with counting something mundane within those movies.

3. It should be run by people whose greatest motivation is boredom.

4. It should make me laugh.

5. Wikipedia doesn't count.

I have only found one website in my life that has completely satisfied all the above criteria, and that is a glorious website called BodyCounters.com.

Yes, that's right. These dudes are actually cool enough to, presumably, carry around a notebook to every movie, marking down a check at the site of someone dying.

What's hilarious to me, is that they actually have a distinguished criteria all on their own on what actually classifies as a death. What's that? someone died in a dream? Doesn't count. These guys are ruthless.

So, what movie has the highest death count? You'll never guess...


Yeah, that's right. The most violent, murderous (whoa, murderous is a word?) film in the history of cinema involves a guy named Arthur and his small robot friend Marvin.

Toy Story 3 Sucks

Just kidding. It's amazing.

If you think Toy Story 3 is bad, or simply have avoided seeing it because you think Pixar is trying to make some easy money off making another sequel to one of their masterpieces, you are wrong. It is phenomenal.

I went to see Toy Story in the theaters when I was a young child three times. I remember that my favorite toy throughout my childhood was a Buzz Lightyear action figure that I got in a Happy Meal from McDonald's. Toy Story was an epic achievement of great proportions, and this movie is a continuation on that story.

Without giving too much of the movie away, it seems to really bring the story to a close, and I'm not ashamed to say I teared up a little at the ending. I kind of feel like it wrapped up my childhood in a way, but maybe I'm just really sentimental about it.

Regardless, there are some people out there who are giving this film bad reviews solely for the shock value. At the time of this writing, there are three bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, bringing what should be 100% down to 98%. All three of those douches are probably reaping the benefits of huge increases in unique visitors to their websites, simply for being ardently disagreeable.

These are bad people. Go see the film!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

World Cup

So, it has become increasingly obvious that, although the United States doesn't really care about soccer or the World Cup, we do care about drama in sports. The latest and biggest drama going on in the World Cup has to do with this referee named Koman Coulibaly.

See, the U.S.
scored a completely legitimate goal against the Slovenia, but this dude decided to disallow it, for apparently no reason at all. See the video of it happening here:



Now, I don't claim to be a soccer/football/futbol/whatever fan whatsoever, but it's amazing to me to see the whirlwind of controversy this has caused, and the reaction of the American people.

Even though the U.S.'s second draw will likely not stop them from proceeding to the second round of the tournament, it's so funny to me that the entire country can come to a standstill because of a single guy:


Yeah, we're all thinking the same thing.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

You're Old

Just a couple reminders to help you remember you're getting really old.

First off, remember when we all went to see Independence Day back in the 90's? Yeah, those were the days before CGI (and for some reason, the special effects were way more realistic with the miniature action) and Will Smith was just becoming huge.

Well, Will Smith has had a child or two since then, and one of them, whom during the release of the movie hadn't been born yet just released a music video with that Beibbebebber kid. He was almost born in the year 2000.



Side note - what's going to happen once Beiber goes through puberty? I'm excited to see!

But, as if that wasn't enough, check out this picture of someone you know:


Yup, that's "Dewey," the youngest kid from the Fox show, Malcolm in the Middle.

You're old.

Vuvuzelas!

With all this talk about the nonsensical noise pollution that's been taking place inside the stadiums at the 2010 World Cup, I find it astonishing and amusing that people are ignoring the one true inarguable fact regarding the culprit noise-maker:

The word "vuvuzela" is awesome!

Seriously, how many times have you been able to pronounce the word "vu" in without saying it with "deja vu?" Never, I bet. And here you get to say it twice.

Yeah, this is pretty stupid humor, but what are you expecting when the major news stories right now are the World Cup and a big oil spill?

What's funny to me is that the only major news regarding the oil spill that seems to come to the surface lately is the fact that BP is blatantly attempting to not allow photos to get out in a massive (and hilarious?) coverup.

So instead, let's just take a glance what the BP oil spill would look like if it was in the the Super Mario Mushroom Kingdom:



Game Over.