I Don't Understand Sunglasses Anymore

I'm not really sure about this whole huge-framed glasses cancer thing that's going around lately, but I'm not having any of it.

At first it was all about the Paris Hilton glasses:

Now, although these glasses are a style made prominent by Paris Hilton, despite all logic, they still managed to become cool.

Now, I'll let these kind of glasses slide. They're okay in the sense that they block sunlight. Granted, they're obnoxious, over-the-top, and make you look like an alien, but at least they block out the sun.

Now, the latest style of glasses that seem to be becoming popular are just retarded. Seriously, what's the deal with this shit:

(By the way, it's too easy to make fun of Kanye West, so I'm not going to. Just watch this if you don't believe me.)

Now, wearing stupid little white glasses with slits in the eyes does not make you cool. I promise.

I don't know, and honestly I don't really want to know. All I do know is that if I ever meet someone who is wearing these kind of glasses in a serious, non-sarcastic manner, I will never speak to them.

I would consider running up to them, though. I think it would be pretty damn funny to run up to someone, grab an article of clothing off their body, and run.

Why doesn't that happen more often? I think there needs to be more random clothing thefts in this country. Would something like that be reported on the news?

I mean, how many times would someone have to steal random articles of clothing in random places before it became a serious crime? I know it might be considered "funny" to normal people, but wouldn't it be much more funny if the public took it all seriously? I can't think of anything more funny in my head right now than the press reporting in a serious tone over the recent thefts of the notorious sunglasses stealer.

Someone, please become the notorious sunglasses stealer.

I Want To Become a Treehugger

No, no, no. I don't want to save trees. That's just stupid.

I think it would be much, much cooler to be ingrained with the title of "treehugger" for doing just that, hugging trees.

I could go to rallies and all the hippy liberal folk would adore me because I would symbolize everything they loved about the good of humanity. I would be representing the decision to blah blah blah don't care give me money.

Also, I could play the part of humanity well in the sense that I could be an asshole and openly mock their clothing and extensive leg hair growth. I'd probably stop if they threatened to take away the money, though.

The point is this, how come hippies got to steal the term tree hugger when there are completely genuine people out there who wish to hug trees and don't want anything out of it? (Granted, I would want to get something out of it, like say some endorsements or something, but that's beside the point).

The second, and far more important point is this: somebody give me money and I'll hug all your trees.

What If I Started a Mafia?

Does the existence of a mafia automatically mean there is crime involved? Because, mind you, I think it would be pretty awesome idea to start a mafia.

How do you think mafias are started, anyway? I mean, you could play the whole "organized crime necessitates some sort of hierarchy of management" card, but I think it would be way more funny to start a mafia with different intentions.

Instead of organized crime, my mafia would consist of a hierarchy of management founded on the idea of "Aggressive Consultation."

Say you've got someone you know who's doing something that's pissing you off. What should you do? A sensible person might be apt to confront the person, tell them what's bothering them, and hopefully work it out peacefully.

Screw that.

Instead, hire my team of professional "Aggressive Consultants" to go up to the person in question and show them who's who in this chaotic world of ours! This consultation will be thorough and will include our patented "consultation" which may or may not involve "baseball bats."


In the end, it's a pretty amazing idea but it would just take too much time and energy to structure and advertise for. Not to mention, the tremendous amount of lawyers I would need to protect my businessmen from being "imprisoned."