Santa = Big Brother?

So it's Christmas Eve once again, and we're all waiting for Mr. Clause to come down the chimney, invading our privacy and trespassing on our property.

Granted, he gives us toys... but what's his deal?

Let me get this straight. He sees us when we're sleeping, and knows when we're awake. He knows when we've been bad or good, so we have to be good, or else.

Sounds to me like Santa has a ridiculously high amount of cameras placed in obscure areas that we're not yet aware of, having people around the clock (elves? slaves?) always ready to call us out on anything bad we might do. Sounds a lot like Big Brother if you ask me.

I'm scared of someone who is not only watching me at all times, but is ready to at any moment judge my actions as good or bad and punish me for the latter.

Granted, I've heard he just gives you coal if you're "bad", but I want to know what he does with all this information. For all we know, he's working for the government. If he's able to get into the home of every child in the world in one night, I don't want to know what he's capable of.

Although, toys do rule. I will concede that.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE VERY UNIMPRESSIVE."Wassssssssssssssssssup."

Steroids and baseball and cartoons

With the recent release of the Mitchell Report, it appears that our country is finally going to begin really cracking down on steroids, better known as ball-shrinking pills, in our professional sports.

Major League Baseball got really pissed awhile ago when they realized players were taking steroids, so they sent this little bitch named Mitchell to rat out everybody. 20 months later, Mitchell released his list showing all the players (see every All-Star game) that have been involved in the usage of steroids.

It is good that our society has decided to punish these players, because it's fun and entertaining, but they're missing the real root of the problem. The real root of the problem is a character named Popeye.

Popeye is responsible for all steroid-use problems within our country. Have you ever seen that show? It's about some weird sailor dude who gets in fights all the time. He's super weak so he has to eat "spinach" in order to get big enough to be able to fight this big meanie guy who wants to get with his stick-figure girlfriend. I think we all know what was really in that spinach: synthetic fat-soluble organic compounds. Steroids.

Popeye is a CHILDREN'S show. No wonder everyone in baseball does steroids, they were all children at one time, and all children watch cartoons, and one cartoon is Popeye.

Therefore, by undeniable deductive logic, one can conclude that Popeye is responsible for all these drug-use problems Major League Baseball is having.

The real root of the problem: cartoons. Bet you didn't think of that one, did ya Mitchell? Nope.

Walt Disney sucked at signatures

Ever since I was a little kid, I've thought that Walt Disney sucked at writing. You know why? Because he doesn't have any idea how to make a D. None.

THAT IS NOT A D, DISNEY.

IT IS A BACKWARDS G, AND YOU KNOW IT.

YOU KNOW IT.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I'm glad I'm not one of Santa's reindeer.

Don't get me wrong, it would be freakin' awesome to be able to chill with Santa and stuff all year round, but what I mean to say is, I'm glad I'm not a shallow, discriminating, little prick reindeer that happens to be owned by Santa.

Rudolph, famously known for his massive deformity having to do with his nose, is different. Rejected at birth, his father was ashamed of him immediately. From birth, it seems to be ingrained in every child that "misfits" (or people who differentiate from the norm) are not to be tolerated in this perfectionist society.

Rudolph tried to make friends, but what did they do? They laughed and called him names while never letting him join in any of their reindeer games. What kind of demented social hierarchy do reindeer follow?

What I'm getting at is Santa, seeming to have the ultimate authority to judge right and wrong, seemed to hire some very un-good reindeer to work for him. This means that Santa is either a very ignorant supervisor when it comes to his employment process, or he's a cruel boss whose only concern is efficiency. Instead of hiring good, deserving, hard-working reindeer, Santa has decided to hire the most cocky, judgmental, energy-efficient reindeer at the North Pole.

Santa's reindeer are a bunch of bigots who only accept you if your deformity or handicap benefits them in some way.

That's screwed up.

How do you get to Sesame Street?

No, seriously, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? I want to know.

We're like 35 years into the show and I still don't know how to get there.

This sucks.

Lions: Who elected them the Kings of the Animal Kingdom?

KING of the Animal Kingdom?

I'm assuming that lions have found their place as being known as the "kings of the animal kingdom" for the sole reasoning that they seem to be on the top of the food chain in most jungles and what-not.

I think it's fair to say that the animal kingdom exceeds farther than just the jungle though, don't you? Wouldn't you say that there are also animals in the ocean?

In this case, I'd say there are plenty of other animals that should rightly hold the throne to the King of the Animal Kingdom. Let us take a look at some of the other candidates I think deserve some consideration:

This is a whale. It's big as hell.

What kind of predators could a freakin' whale possibly have? None. Lions are mammals? Oh really? Well guess what, so are whales. Yeah, that's right. Whales are mammals who eat whoever and whatever the hell they want and don't take crap from anyone. A whale could totally beat the hell out of a lion with its eyelids.

What about the Giant Squid? Hell, it has the word "giant" in its name. It's gotta be big, then. I'd imagine every time you see giant squids you're pretty scared, and I bet a lion would be too. Especially if it was swimming 10,000 leagues under the sea just chillin' out and accidentally ran into one.

Remember that movie, "Jaws"? I've never seen it, but apparently there are a bunch of sharks with jaws who eat people in it. Any animal that is known to eat people on a regular basis ought to get at least some of the votes.


Jellyfish are just creepy.

In conclusion, I just have to say that I think it's horeshit that the lion automatically gets the prize and is recognized as the King of the Animal Kingdom, because I feel there are many other legitimate candidates for the role. I'm not saying that the lion is a bad leader or anything but I'm curious as to see how he got the position. I'm bored now. The end.

Tigger

Tigger could bounce. This is an irrefutable fact. What causes him to be able to do so is an entirely different matter, and is what I have been pondering lately.

The way I see it, Tigger is able to jump up and down using only his tail for one of two reasons:

A. The 100 Acre Wood does not follow the basic Laws of Physics that govern the world that the rest of us live in.

(or)

B. Tigger is a strangely genetically modified tiger, who has either been captured and had some sort of spring surgically installed within his tail, or he has mutated/evolved over time to have an oddly elastic bone structure.

With any thought, one quickly finds that Conclusion A must have faulty premises, as no one else within the 100 Acre Wood is able to jump in the manner Tigger does (with the exception of the Kangaroos, which are able to jump in the real world, so I ignore them).

Therefore, the only logical conclusion to come to is that Tigger is in fact a genetically enhanced cat who likely at some point in time had either himself or someone within his blood chain captured and scientifically experimented on, leading to him being a super-tiger, who is able to jump. With his tail.
Pretty cool if you ask me.

Catdog

Somebody explain to me how the hell this thing pooped.

I bet it would be annoying to be a conjoint twin, but even worse if you didn't have a butt.

Superman

Growing up, I (like many of you) enjoyed watching television programs and even reading the occasional comic book having to do with my favorite superhero. Even if you lie and say you never liked any superheros growing up, I don't care, because you're a liar.

There were and still are many superheros to choose from for you to figure out who you wanted to be a fan of. Superheros can range from the extremely cool (Batman Spiderman, etc) to the extremely flamboyant and stupid (Superman).


Even as a child, I couldn't figure out why the hell anyone ever liked Superman. He's some alien who has come to earth due to some melodrama bull crap, and for some reason is able to completely defy all laws of physics. I don't care about the laser eyes or anything, but the flying is dumb. I wouldn't have a problem with Superman's ability to fly except for the fact that it doesn't make any damn sense. He should at least have some wings or a jet pack or something.


Am I the only one who realizes that if Superman is wearing boots all the time, that means he either carries them around in some hidden pocket at all times or he's wearing those thick-ass boots underneath his shoes every day? I can understand him wearing that skin-tight costume everywhere because it would be easy to fit under a suit and tie, but the boots go a little too far.

I was going to elaborate on the fact that it Superman's disguise is nothing, NOTHING other than wearing glasses, but I decided that would be too easy to talk about. So, I have decided not to rant about such a thing.

If you're going to pick a superhero to look up to and adore, why would you pick Superman? If I was chillin' with some preschoolers and told them to come up with a superhero, you know how many of them would come up with a superhero cooler than Superman? All of them.

Princess Peach

Princess Peach was not a very good princess.

In case some of you aren't huge freakin' nerds, Princess Peach is a fictional character who reigns with her power over every individual within the Mushroom Kingdom, the land in which Super Mario lives in. The plot of every good Super Mario game involves the capturing of this local monarchial representative, leading Mario onto a long, grueling adventure to get to her captor.

But what I don't get is the fact that she's a princess, who lives in this huge castle (where there are obviously tons of people chillin' out at any one time in) but she still manages to get caught like 30 times. Mario has talked to Bowser (who is usually the captor) plenty of times within the games and I can tell you he's not very smart. He's actually pretty slow and it's easy to get behind him and whip him around by his tail.Nonetheless, Princess Peach needs to figure this out, because something has to be done about it. If she's rich enough to be living in a castle, I would assume she has enough money to throw away on some damn security. Hell, even a fence might do the trick. If I lived in a nation where my leader was in a constant state of being captured, I would get really angry, because how could diplomatic decisions ever be made? Is there a second in command? Who is it? Is it Toad?

What the hell WAS Toad? Was he a mushroom or a mutant or a man with a hat?Anyway, Princess Peach was a bad princess because she didn't know have the foresight to invest some funding into security within her castle, thereby leading to her being captured not once or twice, but roughly 10 times that much.



What was Bowser's deal with Princess Peach? I wonder if all these Super Mario games are just one big complicated love triangle that went a little too far.

Pokemon

Why couldn't Pokemon use language? I mean, really?

Let's think this one through. There are these animals everywhere who have evolved to a point where they not only have grown the necessary vocal chords to be able to orate their various opinions to others around them, but they're even able to understand and communicate with humans using the language subject to the territory they live in.

But they can't say anything other than their name. Do they have mental problems?

I want to know what superior power decided upon the names that each of these little monsters was going to go by for all eternity. He must have really thought he was funny when he named Psyduck, because that is the most hilarious name ever. Ditto is amusing too, mainly because the creators probably thought they were being super creative.I never understood why the Pokemon would have these arbitrary levels that they happened to be at depending on how many other Pokemon they beat the hell out of. And then once they got enough "experience", they'd finally evolve into some sort of larger creature that wouldn't be any different other than having some sudden attitude problems. I like how the Pokemon wouldn't respect their master at these abrupt times until their master got enough badges from beating other trainers. Why were Pokemon so superficial?

What the hell did they do in those Pokeballs anyway? Maybe that's why they were always pissed off. It kind of seems like torture if you ask me. Perhaps that's why Pikachu was never a little bitch, because he/she/it never had to deal with being forced into a 2" by 2" sphere all the time.

I'd imagine it would have sucked quite a lot to be a Pokemon, being "caught" and torn away from your family in the wild and being sucked into a life of being forced to live in a small capsule with best part of your day involving nothing other than pain. Poor guys.





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