I want to understand the motivation someone has to want to spend a lot of time on the toilet.
It's a completely foreign idea to me, the idea of seeking out something to read and then sitting on a toilet for twenty minutes.
What are you doing on that toilet for so long? You're sitting and reading some People magazine while doing what?
There's no way you're pooping that entire time, so, are you just pretending to poop for a long time and then letting it all fly at the end? Or are you getting it all out of the way quick and then letting it dry while you find out who Angelina Jolie has adopted this week?
It's pretty gross if you ask me. I've never (unless wayyy constipated) sat on a toilet for more than just a couple minutes. I think you're a freak if you grab something to read and head to the toilet, because reading gossip tabloids while having things pop out your ass is weird to me.
In a perfect world (my world), people are on and off the toilet in less than two minutes. Any more, and you're making a game out of it. Any less, and I don't want to know how you go about your business.
Pooping is not a game, people. It's a very serious subject.
Now, I'm not saying that singing songs rejoicing about God (or any other deity) is stupid, but bands that designate themselves as "Christian rockers" are stupid.
I guess when I think about it, my main problem isn't so much Christian rock, but rather, people who like Christian rock. To me, someone who tells me they like Christian rock is subsequently saying that they have no real taste in music.
Logically, if someone says they only listen to Christian rock, they're saying that they only care about lyrics. The primary (only?) characteristic of Christian rock is that its lyrics align with the Christian faith.
If lyrics are the only thing you pay attention to in music, then logically, you're saying that actual musicianship takes a heavy second to the words the lead singer sings.
If this is the case, you don't actually like music, you like words.
If you like Christian rock, why don't you just read or listen to some religion-based poetry or spoken word and put on an mp3 of Beethoven or something?
It's just so frustrating to me that there are musicians who can't get anywhere in the industry, but the moment that they designate themselves as a Christian rock band, people come out of the woodwork to give all sorts of deals, promotions, and tours, just because there's a segment of the public that's willing to pay big bucks to people who sing about religion.
There are some very good musicians in very good Christian rock bands, and I even listen to some Christian rock bands every so often. But for god's sake, don't limit yourself to one genre of music defined by lyrics. You're simply telling the world you don't actually care about musicianship.
They're huge, and I don't understand it. You know how when you take any other medication, you sometimes have to take several pills in order to get the sufficient amount in order to induce the right chemical reaction within your body?
Well, the dudes who work at the factory where they produce calcium pills gave a big "eff that" to that idea, and instead have decided to manufacture pills that are literally probably able to be a calcium substitute for horses.
Instead of believing that the calcium pill manufacturers are vile in nature, I prefer to think they just have a really awesome sense of humor.
What if the people who work at the factory (scientists?) are in fact, all huge douchebags, whom, when given the opportunity to distribute internationally something that can benefit the bone structure of all humanity, simply said, "LOL, yo yo guyz lets m4ke our pillz sooooo big nobody wants 2 take them LOLOL."
Why they speak leet speak, I do not know. But what I do know is that if they made calcium pills easier to take, a lot more people would want to take them. Instead, we all suffer, and have to psych ourselves up to swallow something (likely) made for horses.
Stupid horses. Thinking they're socool with their being a form of measurement for vehicle engines. Yeah, sure you have "horse" power.
Every time I go to a midnight showing a movie, after the movie is through, half the audience seems to feel the need to clap after the movie is through.
Now, I live in the midwest, so there's never, ever, ever anybody involved with the making of a film actually at a midnight opening for a movie.So who are you clapping for?
Not anybody from the film, that's for sure. Are you trying to demonstrate to your fellow audience members how much you enjoyed the movie? Well, they paid $10 to see this thing and they've stayed up till 2 o'clock in the morning watching it with you.
Do you really think this is the type of segment in the market that wouldn't enjoy a movie they already logically know they're going to like?They're probably missing work to see this. Even if they didn't actually like the movie, they're going to lie to themselves and say they did just so they don't feel stupid about the fact that they've just blown two hours worth of pay on something they could have just pirated for free.
Midnight movies are so annoying. Why do I keep going to them?
Glenn Beck, a conservative political commentator from Fox News, is destroying America.
Yes, destroying America. This seems like strong verbiage to some, but drastic measures are needed for opportunist pricks like Glenn Beck. Fox News is becoming increasingly problematic itself, but Glenn Beck seems to be the seed to all that is horrifying in current American culture.
Beck originally practiced his political fear-tactic filled rhetoric when he hosted a nightly show on CNN, aptly titled Glenn Beck. On CNN, he wasn't that bad, for he seemed to keep a slight bit of journalistic integrity seeing as he was employed by a legitimate news outlet.
Then he moved to Fox News and carried his show with him, changing formats to become a more dialog-driven show revolving around heavy rapport with the camera (and supposedly, an audience).
But then he kept going. The ratings grew, and Beck realized his "fear Obama because he's a socialist" campaign grew stronger. He began to claim he was just like the main character from the movie The Network, gaining the support of millions while spreading "common sense." I think that if Glenn Beck would've paid more attention to that movie, he would have realized that the main character was completely insane.
Now, it's one thing to cater and entertain the right-wing sector to attain good ratings. It's a sector of the public that exists, and it only makes sense that there's an entertainment network to satisfy their desires.
Pay no attention to the fact that Beck has hardly any formal education whatsoever (he dropped out of college after one semester), this Mormon is totally not lying to you and not motivated by ratings at all.
It's not surprising to me that previous advertisers on Glenn Beck's program are backing off and putting their ad money elsewhere. I fully expect more and more companies to begin backing away from their sponsorship of his hate and fear-driven program, but that's not going to stop him.
I don't know what to say to actual fans of Glenn Beck, other than to do what he actually recommends, to "take everything [he] says with a grain of salt."
Am I the only one in the world who finds this damn Michael Franti song, "Say Hey" to be the most boring song ever? It's not really that catchy, and it's got a bland repetitive beat.
Riddle me this: recite one line of lyrics from that song other than, "the more I see, the less I know."
Oh, you can't? Yeah, you must not like that song as much as you pretend to, America.
The song is typical summer drivel. Every time I hear the damn thing, I picture a fake Disney movie in my head from like 1999 where a single dad and his only daughter are dancing while cleaning their house and getting wet paint all over their jeans.
That shouldn't be what I think about when I hear your song. If you're going to have your song make it to such a national level like this song did, it should invoke some sort of energy in me that doesn't involve such weirdly nostalgic rhetoric.
Way to make a song from the 90's, Mike. Good luck trying to get airplay with this shit during the winter, wherein we're all inside and not able to run through the sprinklers while singing along to "the more I see, the less I know."
These are the types of pressing issues that Jesse Ventura, the former governor and fake wrestling actor will be tackling in his upcoming television show on truTV.
As if being an obnoxious (albeit sometimes correct) Mexican surfer hippy dude [no, he actually is a Mexican surfer hippy dude now] isn't enough to satisfy Jesse Ventura these days, he's decided to become a reality TV star.
I mean, I guess the show could be interesting to watch, in a car-accident type of way, but I have no doubts that the entire series will be pure gold in terms of laughs (at the expense of Ventura).
I know Ventura is an intelligent man, but I can't help but think that he would give more credence to his political opinions if he didn't blow his load on stupid reactionary crap like this every so often.
What if I told you there was a new league of football about to be brought to the national stage this year?
You'd kind of scoff at it, and think "oh yeah, that arena football league did pretty well," and think the obvious: that we don't need any more football leagues like the arena football league, XFL, etc
...but what if the football league consisted of only females?
Well, that might not be so bad, albeit trite, to watch. I mean, I guess females can be legitimate athletes too, and with the creation of things like the WNBA as well as their prominence in the Olympic games, women are becoming more and more renown as being capable professional athletes.
...but what if I told you there was a football league consisting of females who wore only lingerie?
You'd think I was joking. But I'm not. Check it out the league website here.
Yeah, that's right. It's something you'd always joked about but never had the guts (or billions) to create. But somebody with money and those dreams did have the balls to go out there and be the chauvinist we all know we have living inside us.
Where will you be on opening day?Will you be watching Miami Caliente take on the Chicago Bliss?
My friend Owen and I were hanging out last night, minding our own business while mocking sales booths at the local county fair, when suddenly, a man came up to us and begged us to take his survey.
I looked up at the sign above his head, reading "Christianity" something-or-other, and I knew it was going to be a heavy few minutes. I wanted to keep going, but Owen saw too good of a chance for straight up el-oh-els.
I'm not going to go into too much detail on the conversation, other than the fact that the man who asked us to take a survey was actually attempting to talk us into following his sect of Evangelism. I argued with this man for over an hour over his crazy views, and got him to concretely admit/say the following things:
1. My friend Owen and I, for not completely accepting Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, would be going to Hell.
2. Hitler is going to Heaven (assuming he was Christian).
3. There are absolutely no contradictions in the Bible.
4. The Bible is the oldest book ever.
5. The Bible has been proven to be 100% scientifically accurate.
6. If your family is starving to death, stealing bread from a rich man to save your family is still absolutely wrong.
7. The Old Testament is not the Hebrew Testament.
8. Adam and Eve not only totally existed but nothing in that story is symbolic or metaphorical.
9. You can love someone and still stone them to death.
I want to understand the motivation someone has to want to spend a lot of time on the toilet.
