Just Watched "The Lost World"

So after many years of avoiding the Jurassic Park sequels, I finally watched The Lost World the other night. And it was god awful.

At the ending of the movie, when the credits started to roll, I was flabbergasted to see that Stephen Spielberg directed it. It made me really think critically about the whole notion that Stephen Spielberg is an excellent director.

I mean, how good of a director can you be if you contributed greatly to movies like and The Lost World and A.I. : Artificial Intelligence?

I mean, he did direct Saving Private Ryan and Raiders of the Lost Arc, but he also directed The Temple of Doom, which was absolutely horrible, no matter how much you adored that movie as a kid.

I mean come on, there is nothing good about that movie, period. Tell me something that was good about that movie and I'll shut up, but until then you guys need to re-watch that because it's not as good as you remember it being.

But anyway, as for The Lost World, which I am certain was only written on the premise of, "Hey, we totally gotta get a dinosaur to the U.S.!! That would be totally rad!!" ..was bad. But it did have one redeeming factor:

Vince Vaughn popped up in this movie. And that is freakin' hysterical.

ichat + PCs = FAIL

It is complete bullshit that PC users can't use ichat.

I can understand if Apple gets pissy over the fact that some of the people in this world don't want to buy a stupid Mac, (because maybe we don't want a camera watching us at all times) but they could at least optimize their software for use on hardware other than their own.

Although software like Skype and ooVoo are all right and work perfectly fine for video conferencing software, Mac users in general are a pain in the ass.

I have not met a Mac user yet who is willing to download video conferencing software that will enable them to be able to video chat with PC users. I have thereby come to the conclusions that all Mac users are all lazy douchebags.

I understand that AOL Instant Messager is capable of connecting with ichat, but the video quality is absolutely horrible. Nobody in their right mind would ever seek out software like that unless it was an absolute last resort, like it is in this instance.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: Apple - stop being hoity-toity douchebags, please.

And this is just a minor detail. Think about how many other ways Apple's hoity-toitiness has screwed the world over.

Perpetual Motion

I refuse to believe that perpetual motion is not possible.

Obviously, many people claim that perpetual motion is an "impossibility" due to the laws of physics that command the world in which we live in.

I think that this is a horrible stance to take because I have several ideas as to how I believe humanity can create perpetual motion, and I believe I will elaborate on them here:

1. MagicPeople who like to call themselves "scientists" generally mock the idea of magic and ignorantly decree that it's nothing but illusionary acting. I say SCREW THEM. Magic is totally awesome, and I bet David Blaine could totally make a perpetual motion device.


2. WitchcraftSlightly differing from magic, witchcraft uses more spiritual means to attain its ends. Now, we might have a lack of witches (or wizards) currently in the public, but I believe there are measures we can take to get some to come out of the woodwork. For instance, what if we gave them a reward? Like some gold or something.


3. PsychicsIf psychics can read minds and/or predict the future, why can't they tell us how to break physics? I think we all know they're hiding something.


4. PretendingConfusing at first, this idea is brilliant. First, what one needs to do is pretend they've finally invented a perpetual motion device.

Then, they need to sell it (probably to some oil-rich Middle Eastern country fellow).

Then the "inventor" needs to take the trillions of dollars from the deal and run and go pay some other guy to come up with a perpetual motion device. With enough money, I bet that other guy will be able to come up with something.


5. Time TravelIf we invent a means to travel to the future, we can travel to a time where they've already invented a perpetual motion device. Then we can come back to our dimension with the knowledge and have it for our own.


It's just that simple, people.

Is Corn Really Food?

I've come to the conclusion the corn isn't really food.

Have you ever looked into the toilet after digesting a meal filled with corn on the cob?

Well, if you haven't, (but I'm sure you have) you're sure to find a lot of exactly what you ate: a boatload of undigested kernels of corn.

It's gross, I know, but it's something that has to be discussed. And discussed thoroughly.

Is it worth eating a food that doesn't go anywhere except through a few tubes and then into your septic tank?


I report. You decide.

Hulk Movie

Why is there a new Hulk movie coming out?

There was just a Hulk movie. FIVE YEARS AGO.

There is no legitimate reason as to why there should be a remake, or a "re-imagining" of a movie, especially a movie with a plot line this dull (some dude gets angry and thus gets big and green) this quickly.

I don't care how good of an actor Edward Norton is.
I don't care that the first one was horrible.
I don't care that this new one will be "more true" to the comic books.

It's just stupid.

"Natural Male Enhancement"

There is nothing more creepy than a "natural male enhancement" commercial.

Enzyte, with their horrifying marketing campaign, caused me to have this opinion.

I refuse to believe that anyone sees one of these commercials, with everyone smiling intensely and looking like a mannequin, and thinks, "Hey, my junk is inadequate too!"

Why do all of these natural male enhancement commercials try to hide what they really are: penis pills. That's what I'm going to call the drug that I invent that helps older men get it on in bed.

Penis Pills. It even has a little alliteration thing going on there, see?

Although, I can't really foresee any reason I would ever be involved in a scientific team's creation of a new type of pill to increase blood flow in the underpants.

Wouldn't it be pretty scary to be the guy who has to try out the pills before they're put out into the public? I wonder if they experiment the pills on mice.

All right, I'm done thinking about this for the rest of my life.

Vault = Surge

I was recently drinking one of Coca Cola's latest attempts to ripoff Mountain Dew, this one called Vault.

It sparked something inside the brains of my taste buds that got them to remembering a taste they tasted long ago.

Vault is Surge. It tastes exactly how I remember Surge tasting.

If you don't remember Surge, you're probably under the age of 15 or over the age of 30. Me and all of my friends were addicted to the overly-caffeinated taste of Mountain Dew + more sugar.

It was the cool drink. And you could tell, because people who drank it also rode skateboards. And skateboards are cool because commercials tell me they are.

The thing is, Surge was cool and Vault isn't. Nobody cares.

Visit here to try to help the brave people fighting to get Surge back.