Sitting on the Toilet

I want to understand the motivation someone has to want to spend a lot of time on the toilet.

It's a completely foreign idea to me, the idea of seeking out something to read and then sitting on a toilet for twenty minutes.

What are you doing on that toilet for so long? You're sitting and reading some People magazine while doing what?

There's no way you're pooping that entire time, so, are you just pretending to poop for a long time and then letting it all fly at the end? Or are you getting it all out of the way quick and then letting it dry while you find out who Angelina Jolie has adopted this week?

It's pretty gross if you ask me. I've never (unless wayyy constipated) sat on a toilet for more than just a couple minutes. I think you're a freak if you grab something to read and head to the toilet, because reading gossip tabloids while having things pop out your ass is weird to me.

In a perfect world (my world), people are on and off the toilet in less than two minutes. Any more, and you're making a game out of it. Any less, and I don't want to know how you go about your business.

Pooping is not a game, people. It's a very serious subject.

Christian Rock

Christian rock is stupid.

Now, I'm not saying that singing songs rejoicing about God (or any other deity) is stupid, but bands that designate themselves as "Christian rockers" are stupid.

I guess when I think about it, my main problem isn't so much Christian rock, but rather, people who like Christian rock. To me, someone who tells me they like Christian rock is subsequently saying that they have no real taste in music.

Logically, if someone says they only listen to Christian rock, they're saying that they only care about lyrics. The primary (only?) characteristic of Christian rock is that its lyrics align with the Christian faith.

If lyrics are the only thing you pay attention to in music, then logically, you're saying that actual musicianship takes a heavy second to the words the lead singer sings.

If this is the case, you don't actually like music, you like words.

If you like Christian rock, why don't you just read or listen to some religion-based poetry or spoken word and put on an mp3 of Beethoven or something?

It's just so frustrating to me that there are musicians who can't get anywhere in the industry, but the moment that they designate themselves as a Christian rock band, people come out of the woodwork to give all sorts of deals, promotions, and tours, just because there's a segment of the public that's willing to pay big bucks to people who sing about religion.

There are some very good musicians in very good Christian rock bands, and I even listen to some Christian rock bands every so often. But for god's sake, don't limit yourself to one genre of music defined by lyrics. You're simply telling the world you don't actually care about musicianship.

Why are Calcium Pills so Big?

They're huge, and I don't understand it. You know how when you take any other medication, you sometimes have to take several pills in order to get the sufficient amount in order to induce the right chemical reaction within your body?

Well, the dudes who work at the factory where they produce calcium pills gave a big "eff that" to that idea, and instead have decided to manufacture pills that are literally probably able to be a calcium substitute for horses.

Instead of believing that the calcium pill manufacturers are vile in nature, I prefer to think they just have a really awesome sense of humor.

What if the people who work at the factory (scientists?) are in fact, all huge douchebags, whom, when given the opportunity to distribute internationally something that can benefit the bone structure of all humanity, simply said, "LOL, yo yo guyz lets m4ke our pillz sooooo big nobody wants 2 take them LOLOL."

Why they speak leet speak, I do not know. But what I do know is that if they made calcium pills easier to take, a lot more people would want to take them. Instead, we all suffer, and have to psych ourselves up to swallow something (likely) made for horses.

Stupid horses. Thinking they're so cool with their being a form of measurement for vehicle engines. Yeah, sure you have "horse" power.

Whatever, horses are cool, I can't lie.

Clapping After Movies

Every time I go to a midnight showing a movie, after the movie is through, half the audience seems to feel the need to clap after the movie is through.

Now, I live in the midwest, so there's never, ever, ever anybody involved with the making of a film actually at a midnight opening for a movie. So who are you clapping for?

Not anybody from the film, that's for sure. Are you trying to demonstrate to your fellow audience members how much you enjoyed the movie? Well, they paid $10 to see this thing and they've stayed up till 2 o'clock in the morning watching it with you.

Do you really think this is the type of segment in the market that wouldn't enjoy a movie they already logically know they're going to like? They're probably missing work to see this. Even if they didn't actually like the movie, they're going to lie to themselves and say they did just so they don't feel stupid about the fact that they've just blown two hours worth of pay on something they could have just pirated for free.

Midnight movies are so annoying. Why do I keep going to them?

Glenn Beck is Destroying America

Glenn Beck, a conservative political commentator from Fox News, is destroying America.

Yes, destroying America. This seems like strong verbiage to some, but drastic measures are needed for opportunist pricks like Glenn Beck. Fox News is becoming increasingly problematic itself, but Glenn Beck seems to be the seed to all that is horrifying in current American culture.

Beck originally practiced his political fear-tactic filled rhetoric when he hosted a nightly show on CNN, aptly titled Glenn Beck. On CNN, he wasn't that bad, for he seemed to keep a slight bit of journalistic integrity seeing as he was employed by a legitimate news outlet.

Then he moved to Fox News and carried his show with him, changing formats to become a more dialog-driven show revolving around heavy rapport with the camera (and supposedly, an audience).

It started out with a little innocent, attention-grabbing crying on his show. All sensible people watching, including Fox's own Shepard Smith (who seems to be one of the only sensible people on that network) rolled their eyes.

But then he kept going. The ratings grew, and Beck realized his "fear Obama because he's a socialist" campaign grew stronger. He began to claim he was just like the main character from the movie The Network, gaining the support of millions while spreading "common sense." I think that if Glenn Beck would've paid more attention to that movie, he would have realized that the main character was completely insane.

Beck's show turned into an apocalypse-predicting theme park, where on his show, it was admitted that Fox News was completely entitled to be "a cheerleader for the Bush administration" and to proceed in "misinforming our society."

Glenn Beck really, really believes our President is a racist. He jokes about killing United States' Speaker of the House. Just watch one of the hundreds of YouTube videos splicing together clips of Beck spouting out the scariest nonsense you could imagine. No, Beck, Obama is not the Anti-Christ.

Now, it's one thing to cater and entertain the right-wing sector to attain good ratings. It's a sector of the public that exists, and it only makes sense that there's an entertainment network to satisfy their desires.

The problem is that the general public that pays attention to his program are taking his views as valid. Instead of viewing his program as entertainment (as it's supposed to be, it is technically not journalism), they're believing it and taking it to the streets. When Beck subtly claims that President Obama will have a death panel, and claims that the government is trying to hack into your computer via the Cash for Clunkers website (see the website one debunked here) PEOPLE BECOME AFRAID. PEOPLE BECOME VERY, VERY AFRAID.

Pay no attention to the fact that Beck has hardly any formal education whatsoever (he dropped out of college after one semester), this Mormon is totally not lying to you and not motivated by ratings at all.

It's not surprising to me that previous advertisers on Glenn Beck's program are backing off and putting their ad money elsewhere. I fully expect more and more companies to begin backing away from their sponsorship of his hate and fear-driven program, but that's not going to stop him.

I don't know what to say to actual fans of Glenn Beck, other than to do what he actually recommends, to "take everything [he] says with a grain of salt."

That Damn Michael Franti Song

Am I the only one in the world who finds this damn Michael Franti song, "Say Hey" to be the most boring song ever? It's not really that catchy, and it's got a bland repetitive beat.

Riddle me this: recite one line of lyrics from that song other than, "the more I see, the less I know."

Oh, you can't? Yeah, you must not like that song as much as you pretend to, America.

The song is typical summer drivel. Every time I hear the damn thing, I picture a fake Disney movie in my head from like 1999 where a single dad and his only daughter are dancing while cleaning their house and getting wet paint all over their jeans.

That shouldn't be what I think about when I hear your song. If you're going to have your song make it to such a national level like this song did, it should invoke some sort of energy in me that doesn't involve such weirdly nostalgic rhetoric.

Way to make a song from the 90's, Mike. Good luck trying to get airplay with this shit during the winter, wherein we're all inside and not able to run through the sprinklers while singing along to "the more I see, the less I know."

Craig Ferguson Explains Why Everything Sucks

Jesse Ventura: The TV Show

Kennedy Assassination? Hoax. 9/11? Totally fixed.

These are the types of pressing issues that Jesse Ventura, the former governor and fake wrestling actor will be tackling in his upcoming television show on truTV.

As if being an obnoxious (albeit sometimes correct) Mexican surfer hippy dude [no, he actually is a Mexican surfer hippy dude now] isn't enough to satisfy Jesse Ventura these days, he's decided to become a reality TV star.

I mean, I guess the show could be interesting to watch, in a car-accident type of way, but I have no doubts that the entire series will be pure gold in terms of laughs (at the expense of Ventura).

I know Ventura is an intelligent man, but I can't help but think that he would give more credence to his political opinions if he didn't blow his load on stupid reactionary crap like this every so often.

The Lingerie Football League (not a joke)

What if I told you there was a new league of football about to be brought to the national stage this year?

You'd kind of scoff at it, and think "oh yeah, that arena football league did pretty well," and think the obvious: that we don't need any more football leagues like the arena football league, XFL, etc

. ..but what if the football league consisted of only females?

Well, that might not be so bad, albeit trite, to watch. I mean, I guess females can be legitimate athletes too, and with the creation of things like the WNBA as well as their prominence in the Olympic games, women are becoming more and more renown as being capable professional athletes.

...but what if I told you there was a football league consisting of females who wore only lingerie?

You'd think I was joking. But I'm not. Check it out the league website here.

Yeah, that's right. It's something you'd always joked about but never had the guts (or billions) to create. But somebody with money and those dreams did have the balls to go out there and be the chauvinist we all know we have living inside us.

Where will you be on opening day? Will you be watching Miami Caliente take on the Chicago Bliss?

10 Things I Learned from an Evangelical

My friend Owen and I were hanging out last night, minding our own business while mocking sales booths at the local county fair, when suddenly, a man came up to us and begged us to take his survey.

I looked up at the sign above his head, reading "Christianity" something-or-other, and I knew it was going to be a heavy few minutes. I wanted to keep going, but Owen saw too good of a chance for straight up el-oh-els.

I'm not going to go into too much detail on the conversation, other than the fact that the man who asked us to take a survey was actually attempting to talk us into following his sect of Evangelism. I argued with this man for over an hour over his crazy views, and got him to concretely admit/say the following things:

1. My friend Owen and I, for not completely accepting Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, would be going to Hell.

2. Hitler is going to Heaven (assuming he was Christian).

3. There are absolutely no contradictions in the Bible.

4. The Bible is the oldest book ever.

5. The Bible has been proven to be 100% scientifically accurate.

6. If your family is starving to death, stealing bread from a rich man to save your family is still absolutely wrong.

7. The Old Testament is not the Hebrew Testament.

8. Adam and Eve not only totally existed but nothing in that story is symbolic or metaphorical.

9. You can love someone and still stone them to death.

10. Christianity is like car insurance.

Special Guest Writer: Tom Mahle!

I have been asking my good friend Tom Mahle to help in contributing to some writing on this website. I'm hoping to get more people involved in this site to begin to grow it and have it be updated more often. He pretty much tells the whole story of how his boredom led to him actually finally writing for The Very Unimpressive within this post, which goes a little longer than we're used to here at TVU, but it's a good first posting nonetheless:

July 23rd, 2009

So, I'm heading back home for the weekend, and I find myself in Chicago's Union Station talking to TayTay. The conversation between Tay-lizzle and I progresses through it's usual vaulty heights of wisdom and culture:

"Hey, how's it going?"
"Can I call you back i-- no, no, nevermind, we won!'
"Coo, who were we pl-"
"Shit, no, we lost!!!"
'Really, who were we playing?'
"Blah Blah Blah, I'm Taylor and I'm boring and like baseball, etc."

Suddenly: carolers. With my luck you're probably reading this in December, so go ahead and look at the date. July. Carollers. Carollers... July... They're even all douchy and up on a stage like we give a damn.
Frosty the Snowman. Because, really, the last thing you'd want to be is nonseccular when cramming the birth of Christ down my throat 5 months too early. Frosty the Snowman is melted right now... if he's lucky. More likely he's water vapor, not even visible to the human eye, by this point.

Our conversation continues in spite of the ear rape that Disney and some horse-shit for brains producer are, evidently, putting me and the other 7 people in the Station through to promote a movie I've already forgotten the name of. Oh, there's a sign, the Christmas Carol comes out in November... months from now. I count the seconds before my ears will be assaulted only by Taylor's cacophonous Mickey-Mouse-meets-braking-semi voice, rather than the monotonous rhythms and tired melody of out-of-season Christmas carols. I count the seconds until this crime against Time itself ends.

"For Frosty the snow man Had to hurry on his way,"
Yes, Frosty, hurry, go, NOW.

"But he waved goodbye saying, 'Don't you cry, I'll be back again some day.'"
Dude, seriously, don't even worry about it, just leave for now and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

"Thumpetty thump thump, Thumpety thump thump,"
Oh, right, the thumps, I forgot, they're like, the best part.

"Look at Frosty go."
Okay, but could you maybe just shut up about it?

"Thumpetty thump thump,"
No?

"Thumpety thump thump,"
Seriously, still singing?

"Over the hills of snow."
Oh, okay, you're done now?

Finally. The conversation between Taylor and I has progressed to him enumerating his top baseball rivalries in order of severity. I ask myself what I've done to put myself in this situation, and consider the myriad ways to exit it. Bludgeoning myself to death with the laptop seems good, as does running out in front of a train. Getting off the phone, however, makes its way up to the top of the list. I spring into action:

"So, yeah, I sh-"
"~Deck the halls with balls of holly ~Falalalala lalalala"
"Goddamnit, please don't make me listen to this..."
"Tomorrow Brett Favre is going to announce that he's becoming a Viking"


Oh, thank god, he'll be going for entire minutes on this one. I'm spared from being stuck alone with nothing but my thoughts and a blatant assault on reason. All things considered things are looking up.

'Deck the Halls' ends. I barely consider the possibility that perhaps my haunting ordeal has come to an end when Jingle Bells starts. Taylor tells me why the fact that my roommate is a Cubs fan is funny. Did you know they haven't won the World Series in over 100 years? I didn't care either, but pretended I did to avoid murdering relatively innocent carollers.

'Jingle Bells' ends. The carollers finally shut up. Taylor has found something legitimately interesting to talk about, so I keep him on the phone for a while. At the end he says "So, while you're waiting for the Megabus you should write a TVU article"

What would I write about?

"I dunno, out of season Christmas Carollers?' I tell him I might take him up on it and get off the phone before the punchline happens.

In spite of the end of Christmas Caroling and my woe someone insists on making noises into a microphone over by the schlocky fake brick display for that Christmas movie. It strikes me as funny that he probably thinks he's talking to people. There are about zero that I can see who seem remotely interested in what he's saying. At this moment he mentions that he's introducing important people that produce movies and stuff.

Who cares? Not me. Don't even pay attention to the names of people that do that. He introduces blah blah blah Robert Zemeckis blah bl- wait, wait, Robert Zemeckis? Didn't he make Back to the Future? 'producer of blah blah Contact blah and writer of such classics as Back to the Future...'

Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting any useful information from you, delusional guy that thinks people are listening. Now, Robert Zemeckis, not only does your presence give a tacit endorsement to douchebags performing Christmas music in July, but when you actually stood up and talked for a while at a presentation no one was at, God killed a kitten.

You should have something better to do, like invent the hoverboard or calling up some aliens. Putting that shit into my dreams and not making good on it is bullshit; you know it and you owe me. Now stop assaulting my ears and get to it. Thanks to you the first week after Thanksgiving is now off-limits for Christmas music. You cost the people a week of glee with your blatant disrespect to the seasonality of Christmas music.

How do you sleep at night?

Standard Definition vs. High Definition

Standard definition is way better than high definition. Why? Because I said so.

How many times do you watch a movie on your "high definition" TV only to find that those black lines you thought would go away still remain? A lot, that's how many times. If you're watching a movie on an HDTV, that shit should never happen, but it does all the time.

And as for "crisp, clear, and clean" pictures? Eff that. I want my screen to have character. Not only does the less-crisp, less-clear, and less-clean lead to a great nostalgic feeling, but it makes things more bearable in nature.

Does it make you feel better about yourself being able to see every single crack and tear on someone's face with your HDTV? Do you like being able to see how much awful, ugly makeup Conan O'Brien is forced to put on every night? I know I don't, and that's why it's so much greater to watch it on a TV that can't be hung on a wall.


Some people might not like having to hit their television set to be able to see things on it, but shorts in wires make turning on your TV a fun game anytime. Sure, hitting a TV can hurt if you're forced to do it for ten minutes at a time to get it to show something, but it's because you suck at hitting things.

So, for now, I'm going to stick with my standard definition television.

Why Aren't You Listening to Adam Carolla's Podcast?

Seriously, what's wrong with you? Adam Carolla is the smartest person on the planet, and he's funny too.

For the ignorant of you, Adam Carolla was the "other guy" on The Man Show. He was the skinny, taller, more Italian guy who worked alongside Jimmy Kimmel. He was never funny on that show, but that's because he's awfully suited for television.

His radio persona is a completely different story. He was on Loveline with Dr. Drew for a decade, and made anyone who came within reach of hearing his voice bow down to his glory. I know I did.

There's not much funny to this post, but it's rather more of a public service announcement because people need to be listening to his new podcast. It's been up and running for a few months now and it's completely free. The only thing he's asking in return is that his fans go out and get more people to listen. He loves doing it, and with the only motivation being the number of listeners (he's #1 on itunes for comedy podcasts), he's definitely legit.

So get in the game and begin listening to him. He is way more awesome than you: LISTEN HERE

It's Not A Small World

All the time, I hear people saying, once they realize that someone they know knows someone they know, "it's a small world!"

No, it's not a small world. Not at all.

Just because you can go to some get-together and run into someone who has met someone you are related to doesn't mean the world is getting smaller, it means that communication functionality is getting better and better.

The reason why everybody and their mother knows everyone in today's world is that they're integrating themselves in all sorts of new types of interactive social web sites. I mean, obviously.

Have you ever tried walking somewhere before? Walking is hard, and doing it takes forever. The other day I tried walking to my friend's house, which is a couple blocks away, and it took forever.


Exhausted at arrival, I sat down and recollected on my weary travels, and couldn't help but feel like I had really accomplished something. If I could travel this far on my own on foot, what else could I do? Could I go to the grocery store? Could I even go to Best Buy?

Yeah, I could, but that would be stupid because I have a car that I can drive in, which gets me there a lot quicker.

But that doesn't mean that the amount traveled is any less, it's just easier to get there. The same goes with your stupid theories on the world getting smaller. Just because something is easier to accomplish using today's tools doesn't mean it's easier to do in general.

Your relative perception is just skewed, and that is what's contributing to your douchebaggy small-talk rhetoric (but it's not the only thing).

L is I (l vs I), Writing in CAPS, and the Cursive G

I wish the letters L and I didn't look so damn similar in so many types of font.

Why do some people not put serifs on their I's? When you go to Chicago, are you traveling to lllinois? No, because that looks like three of the same letter.

Also, what's the deal with people who write completely in caps lock? What the hell is wrong with you? It's obviously not saving you any time to do so, so why bother? I feel like half the country never bothered to pay attention in first grade.

And then there are some people who seemingly paid too much attention, like the freaks who write completely in cursive all the time. I hate you. None of us are impressed by your handwriting skillz. Get over yourself and realize that writing a capital g like this:


is retarded and takes long to write and it looks stupid and I still hate you. I don't even understand how that's supposed to be a G.

It looks like a damn rollercoaster.

Google "Street View" Updates for Easier Navigation/Creepiness

Just when you thought that Google couldn't get anymore creepier, they decided to go off and update their creepiest feature contained within their website: Google Street View.

There has been quite a bit of ruckus over Street View in the past due to people claiming it has been an invasion of privacy and so forth with plenty of different types of people claiming its creepiness factor is too strong.

Well, to make things a little bit more easy to creep on areas of the real world that you're just too lazy to scout out for yourself, Google decided to give you the functionality to "double-click anywhere!"

What this means is that instead of having to be stuck to the actual streets that the Google Street View van drove on, you're actually able to double click obscure angles and actually zoom in. You can read all about the updates here.

Nonetheless, it's really only a matter of time until we have full blown virtual reality maps provided by Google, and to make things just a little easier to know updated construction schedules (to help plan navigation better), we might as well have real-time virtual reality Google Street View maps.

And the only way to go about real-time 3D virtual reality Google Street View maps is to have cameras on every single street corner, Truman Show style. And then we can all watch each other and Google can make billions of dollars off ad revenue placing Google Ads all over the place.

That's what you want, isn't it Google? To put us all in the Truman Show as a means of saving your precious Google Adsense that has been deflating as a source of revenue.

Well, screw you. That'll show you.

Segways

Remember when Segways were about to come out and everybody was throwing a big fit over them? Whatever happened to all of that nonsense?

Years have passed, and I've still never seen an average person riding down the street in a Segway. The only people I've ever seen riding Segways in Minneapolis have been cops (really, you can't ride bikes?) and weird people giving away free products like air.

No really, one time I was walking in downtown Minneapolis and some dude came up to me on a Segway and gave me bottled air. I asked him if he was joking and he said no. I proceeded to tell him that his business was doomed to fail. True story.

Anyway, where are all these Segways we were promised would "change the way we perceive transportation in our country?" I'm pretty sure there's no real benefit whatsoever to purchasing a $5,000 scooter when I could very well go off and grab a thing that I have to put my foot on the ground for every couple of seconds from a garage sale for five bucks.


Is it really worth that much more money to have to not have to exercise while walking on a sidewalk? When somebody purchases a Segway, it's not like they're going to be riding it on the highway, or even a road for that matter.

What the hell reason is there to buy a Segway? No wonder the concept failed and we don't see any of them anywhere. They're stupid and only stupid people have them. Maybe if we lived in Stupidopolous, more people would have them.

But I'm pretty sure we don't live in Stupidopolous, do we.

**If you do a google image search for "stupidopolous," this picture of Bill Clinton being old and wearing glasses is the only thing that shows up. Try it at home and see for yourself!

My Friend's Cartoon/Short Film

Hey, my good friend Owen Dennis created this short film called "The Greatest Ape" for his senior thesis project. I've decided to do my part to spread the word and get as many people to watch it as possible. So, like, you should watch it and stuff.

And also, I'm thanked in the credits. Which is super cool.



And also, if for some reason you never saw this other movie Owen made that actually stars me as the main character, check it out here. It's called "What I Did Today: The Movie" and it's pretty legit:

Microsoft's "Project Natal" will Destroy Nintendo, Eventually Lead to 3D Sex Robots

So, apparently since the Nintendo Wii came out, Microsoft has been doing a little coneiving themselves in the world of non-controller type video game playing.

While the Nintendo Wii is still considered innovative to most of the general public, it's about to become laughable to people who know anything of the goings-on in the video game industry.

While the Nintendo Wii allows consumers to do such amazing things as stand on a pad and wave a stick in the air, a new Microsoft product, tentatively called "Project Natal," is a full body motion controller. See pictures here.

Now, don't ask me how it works, because all I know is that it involves some sort of sensor that sits underneith your television set, apparently keeping an eye on you in a "Big Brother" type fashion (see how Apple is already Big Brother in my other article here).

Granted, since this is going to be a first generation product, and more importantly released by Microsoft, it's going to suck. But that doesn't change the fact that in like five years, this technology could potentially be amazing. But, does this mean we're that much closer to full-blown 3D gaming?

And if we're that much closer to 3D gaming, does that mean we're that much closer to 3D robot eroticism?

And if we're that much closer to 3D robot eroticism, does that mean we're that much closer to there being no reason for humans to reproduce?

I think there is little doubt at this point that Microsoft is going to take over the world, but now we know the means in which they're going to go about doing it. Artificially intelligent robot sex slaves.

Well, at least they're not Apple.

Hey Look, All the Bees Died

Well, not exactly all of them. Only 1/3 of them did.

Either way, it's pretty crazy. Besides a possible extremely scary disturbance of Earth's ecosystem, leading to a disruption in the very way our planet functions as a whole, this is AWESOME.

Bees are evil, and don't try to tell me they aren't. When I was three years old, I stuck my hand in a beehive (I was really smart, see) and ever since then I have been waiting for humanity's revenge on these evil things. (I'm sure you can tell how my hand-beehive situation turned out.)


I mean, look at them. They have big needle things in their butts. You know what's supposed to come out of a rear end? Either feces or a tail or both. But not a big giant needle thing that is to be used as a weapon.

How come bees evolved to have an equipped weapon on their bodies, anyway? Why is it that some animals are born with self-defense weapons and others are forced to fend for themselves?

It all sounds a little unfair to me, and all I can say is that it's about time the universe took vengeance on these insects for what they did to me when I was three. They may have won that battle, but (apparently) they sure aren't winning the war.

Giving 110%

You know what, you can go on and keep giving 110% on whatever rudimentary thing you're doing. You know why I'm so willing to allow you to do so? Because it doesn't make any damn sense to give 110%

I constantly hear people telling their 5 year old kids to go out and give their all when doing things like hitting a baseball off a stationary tee. To give their all, parents will say, a necessitated 110% must be given.

Little do they know, the human body is only able to give 100%, thereby following the laws of mathematics, statistics, and physics.

Or so I thought before writing this article.

What if it is possible to give more than 100%? What would you have to do to do so? If you're able to break the laws of nature, does it then thereby follow that you have found a means of hacking life?

If you can hack life, what else can you do? Can you fly? If you're able to hack life, I'm sure you're able to do cooler things than just hit a baseball off a tee. Like fly.

This subject deserves a lot more analysis on my behalf, and I promise to begin going about my studies in the following months and years. I'm certain my hypothesis, being that all tee ball players know how to fly, will be effectively proven in the coming months.

Trophies Will Save Our Economy

Remember when we were kids and we got trophies for participating in sports? I miss that stuff. I'm really starting to think it's time we brought back that monotonous rewarding system.

I mean, think of it. The economy's down, everybody's bummed, and nobody is getting any free trophies.

Screw Obama's stimulus package plan to help save the economy. You know what Obama? I've got your stimulus package right here.
You know what's a way better idea to save the economy than helping to create proper infrastructure that is able to support and adapt to the global economic imbalances we're seeing today?

Trophies. Yeah, trophies.

If this whole "recession" problem has so much to do with individuals not spending money, then we should give them an incentive to do so. If we had a rewarding system in place for people who go out to stores and buy things, I guarantee you we'd fix this economy by tomorrow by about 5 o'clock (p.m., not a.m. - I'm not THAT crazy).

It wouldn't work, you say, because if everyone got a trophy, there would be no real incentive? Well, I'll show you, I say. Get this: not everybody will get the same sized trophy. Nuh uh.

The size of trophy you will receive will be directly proportional to the size of the "thing" you buy. For instance, the biggest trophies will be designated for people buying vehicles (and up). Smaller trophies will be designated towards things as small as a pack of spaghetti. We will certainly have pocket-sized trophies for minuscule objects.


So anyway, yeah. That's my plan to save the economy. Basically, my logic is infallible and you should all bend to my every whim.

Podcast #2

Did another podcast tonight, hope you enjoy.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN.

Topics covered tonight:

• Banjos and attractiveness in females
• People who don't really play instruments but pretend to
  
• Star Trek, the new movie
• Bubbles
• Pyramids and aliens

Special thanks to Isaac Remer and Weston Thayer.

My First Podcast Ever

Check out my first podcast ever by clicking HERE:

Within this Podcast, recorded at 2 a.m. on Friday night, a few of the following topics were covered:

• Darth Vader's true race?
• Pokeballs: what's going on inside?
• Mogwai: why were there two different genders?

I apologize for the lack of formatting and so forth. This was a first run through and I didn't expect to actually put it online. Next time, there should be slightly more coherency.

Special thanks to guests Adam Holmberg and Isaac Remer.

What to do when the Great Depression: Part Deux hits

So what are you guys going to do once TGD: Part Deux hits? I'm already trying to brainstorm some ideas of how I'm going to go about making ends meet. I've brainstormed some different ideas I have, not taking into consideration any sort of "moral" objections I may have - and you can't steal these ideas because they're mine.

1. Prostitution

The easy, most obvious choice, my problem with this is that it's just too easy. Anyone can become a prostitute, but it takes real charisma to be able to go on the street and become a beggar or something similar to that. Plus, I imagine I would probably find myself in some pretty "sticky" situations if I wasn't careful. It could be pretty gross and full of disease, too. Probably not the safest bet.

2. Stealing things
Stealing things may be a funny idea to some, but for others, it's a genuine career choice. As stealing car radios and the like from cars might have a good turn-around and be rather profitable in the short-term, the problem is, nobody would have the money to pay for stolen things in a Great Depression.

The idea of stealing anything material is kind of a broken idea, because once Part Deux hits, nobody's going to be wanting to listen to the radio. They're going to be wanting to eat potatoes and shit. So maybe, just maybe, I should become a...

3. Potato stealer

Now, some people may argue that stealing potatoes should have gone underneath the "stealing things" category. To this, I say that you are right, but my list looks a lot longer if I have more items with numbers attached to them. You'll notice, too, that the more text I write underneath any one of these ideas, the more legitimate it appears to the average viewer who doesn't actually read these things, and instead just looks at the pretty pictures.

4. Unimpressive, unfunny blog author

I tried this one already, and it doesn't make me any money. Maybe, though, under the right circumstances (such as the world becoming bizarro-world), I could make some cash. But it's just not a very good idea in general. In fact, it's an awful idea that only an idiot would try.

5. Homeless dude/beggar

Finally! The funnest idea on this list. Some people might think that beggars are pathetic and should get jobs. To these people I say, screw off! Beggars are awesome and have some pretty funny signs.

I would love to be able to stand on the street for awhile with a "will work for food" sign, as long as the weather wasn't cold. I wonder how many amazing different kinds of foods I would be offered! I mean, that's what happens, right? I imagine every day a man driving around in the backseat of a limosine while wearing a tuxedo offers bums gourmet dinners on the house. I need to eat more gourmet dinners, and therefore need to become a homeless man.

6. Consultant

Who really knows what a consultant does or how you become one, but it sounds like a pimp job. Do you need me to tell you some shit to do and give you advice on how you're doing everything wrong? Hell yes, and I won't even demand money in return. In Part Deux though, times will be tough, and I will need to be paid for my awesome consulting skillz.

Anyway, those are just the first six ideas that popped into my head during my brainstorming session in the past 10 minutes. I'll probably have more once Part Deux hits, but I'm not going to tell you because I don't want the competition.

I Don't Understand Sunglasses Anymore

I'm not really sure about this whole huge-framed glasses cancer thing that's going around lately, but I'm not having any of it.

At first it was all about the Paris Hilton glasses:

Now, although these glasses are a style made prominent by Paris Hilton, despite all logic, they still managed to become cool.

Now, I'll let these kind of glasses slide. They're okay in the sense that they block sunlight. Granted, they're obnoxious, over-the-top, and make you look like an alien, but at least they block out the sun.

Now, the latest style of glasses that seem to be becoming popular are just retarded. Seriously, what's the deal with this shit:

(By the way, it's too easy to make fun of Kanye West, so I'm not going to. Just watch this if you don't believe me.)

Now, wearing stupid little white glasses with slits in the eyes does not make you cool. I promise.

I don't know, and honestly I don't really want to know. All I do know is that if I ever meet someone who is wearing these kind of glasses in a serious, non-sarcastic manner, I will never speak to them.

I would consider running up to them, though. I think it would be pretty damn funny to run up to someone, grab an article of clothing off their body, and run.

Why doesn't that happen more often? I think there needs to be more random clothing thefts in this country. Would something like that be reported on the news?

I mean, how many times would someone have to steal random articles of clothing in random places before it became a serious crime? I know it might be considered "funny" to normal people, but wouldn't it be much more funny if the public took it all seriously? I can't think of anything more funny in my head right now than the press reporting in a serious tone over the recent thefts of the notorious sunglasses stealer.

Someone, please become the notorious sunglasses stealer.

I Want To Become a Treehugger

No, no, no. I don't want to save trees. That's just stupid.

I think it would be much, much cooler to be ingrained with the title of "treehugger" for doing just that, hugging trees.

I could go to rallies and all the hippy liberal folk would adore me because I would symbolize everything they loved about the good of humanity. I would be representing the decision to blah blah blah don't care give me money.

Also, I could play the part of humanity well in the sense that I could be an asshole and openly mock their clothing and extensive leg hair growth. I'd probably stop if they threatened to take away the money, though.

The point is this, how come hippies got to steal the term tree hugger when there are completely genuine people out there who wish to hug trees and don't want anything out of it? (Granted, I would want to get something out of it, like say some endorsements or something, but that's beside the point).

The second, and far more important point is this: somebody give me money and I'll hug all your trees.

What If I Started a Mafia?

Does the existence of a mafia automatically mean there is crime involved? Because, mind you, I think it would be pretty awesome idea to start a mafia.

How do you think mafias are started, anyway? I mean, you could play the whole "organized crime necessitates some sort of hierarchy of management" card, but I think it would be way more funny to start a mafia with different intentions.

Instead of organized crime, my mafia would consist of a hierarchy of management founded on the idea of "Aggressive Consultation."

Say you've got someone you know who's doing something that's pissing you off. What should you do? A sensible person might be apt to confront the person, tell them what's bothering them, and hopefully work it out peacefully.

Screw that.

Instead, hire my team of professional "Aggressive Consultants" to go up to the person in question and show them who's who in this chaotic world of ours! This consultation will be thorough and will include our patented "consultation" which may or may not involve "baseball bats."


In the end, it's a pretty amazing idea but it would just take too much time and energy to structure and advertise for. Not to mention, the tremendous amount of lawyers I would need to protect my businessmen from being "imprisoned."