Moats are LAME.

I was sitting here pondering what my castle will be like once I decide to build it.

I was thinking about how I will protect myself from people who want to be me, and then I remembered how most castles have these things called "moats" that surround the residence.

These "moats" consist of water, and only water. Which is lame.

I was trying to think of other, more awesome things to have instead of just a strip of water surrounding my castle and I came up with a few ideas pretty quickly:

1. Quicksand.

Quicksand is awesome because you can't just swim out of it like you can water. Why would I want my attackers to be able to get away? That's stupid.

2. Lava

Although it might be hard, I think that I would be able to eventually figure out how to get a "moat" of lava surrounding my castle. In a few years when I have begun being worshiped by enough people, I'm sure there will be some engineers from Germany or something that will create an effective means of containing lava for long periods of time.

3. Water (filled with alligators and sharks)

If I decide to be lazy in the future once I have my castle, and just have water surrounding my castle, I'm going to put some living things in it. I thought about just having starving alligator mothers chillin' out in there, who would eat anyone that got near their babies, but then I thought that sharks might be a good idea too. I might as well put a bunch of jellyfish in there for good measure just to scare people. Because jellyfish are scary as hell.

4. Habanero Sauce

Habanero Sauce is very spicy. I would imagine if only a few drops can hurt your tongue, a river of sauce could hurt even more.


In conclusion, my castle will be impossible to get into unless you're invited.

The Horror.