The "Close Door" Button

The "Close Door" button on the elevator doesn't work guys, stop pressing it.

There are many people I watch every day hit that button, thinking it's making the door close faster. It doesn't work that way, and never will.

It only works with the firefighters' key, morons.

I win.

Onions, Lemons, and Limes

Onions, Lemons, and Limes are nature's toppings.

These three foods are awesome ONLY if they are on top of something else. If you eat an onion, lemon, or lime by itself, you're weird.

I can't think of any other natural toppings off the top of my head.

Someone ought to make a list.

Facebook Chat

Facebook Chat is a horrible idea, please boycott it.

I feel like Facebook is doing everything in their power to make people hate them. First creepy mini feed, then applications, now this.

Facebook made its way ahead of the rest of the social networking websites by making their site simple and easy to use. It's getting to a point where freakin' MySpace might be less of a pain in the ass to use. At least you won't have the possibility of getting stupid instant messages with them.

Facebook just keeps getting creepier and creepier, that's all I can say.

Pope does Mass at Yankee Stadium

Ok, seriously. The Yankees have enough World Series rings. What's the one thing that the Yankees don't need? The freaking Pope blessing their stadium. That's like a guaranteed World Series win.

It's not fair. The Pope should do mass at every stadium. I swear, if the Yankees win the World Series this year, I'm blaming the Pope.

Not to hate on the Pope, he's totally cool and all. He can speak like a thousand languages. It's just a load of crap that the Yankees get an advantage like this.

I wonder if his visit to the United States was just a ploy to get the Yankees to do well. Only time will tell.

Whatever happened to 7up?

Whatever happened to 7up?

It was the drink that you had when you were sick, and now it's nowhere to be found. It's a Pepsi product, and when looking at Pepsi vending machines now, what do you find?

Sierra Mist, which is not 7up.Why did Pepsi feel the need to put out the exact same pop and call it something different? Hell, I remember there were video games made of that little dot guy mascot from 7up about 10 years ago, and they also had one of the coolest ad campaigns ever: "Make 7 UP yours."

I just feel bad for 7up. I feel like we abandoned it and forgot all about it. What did it ever do to us?

Snowmen

I was thinking about snowmen today for some reason, and I began wondering to myself if I had ever seen a snowwoman.

I mean, how can you really make a snowwoman? Put boobs on the thing? That would look pretty awkward.

If people began doing that, would it give people the go ahead to be able to put phallic-shaped snow on people to denote the sex of the snowman being a male?

I concluded that snowwomen are impossible to be made, and that eventually snowmen will no longer be called snowmen, but rather "snowpeople" in order to be politically correct for people who like forcing other people to be P.C.

There will no longer be sexes within the snowperson community, and eventually all snowpeople will go extinct because there won't be the proper amount of sexes (two) in order to procreate.

Wait, what the hell am I talking about?

This Weekend vs. Next Weekend

Just a little note to all the people out there who happen to have calendars:

There is a difference between this weekend and next weekend.

When I say "this weekend," I am referring to the weekend that is about to arrive. When I say "next weekend," I am talking about the weekend that comes after this weekend, hence "next" being in its name.

I don't know why this is so difficult for people to learn, but the confusion still surfaces in conversation almost daily for me. If today is Friday and I am speaking of "next weekend," do you really think I'm talking about tomorrow? No, idiot.

Unrated Movies

"Unrated" ought to be considered false advertising, I don't know why it isn't.

When you have a decision to make between buying an R-Rated version of a movie or an Unrated version, which one are you going to buy? The Unrated version, of course.

Why are you going to buy the Unrated version? Because you think there's going to be nudity in it. And there never is.

Why do they even bother putting out an R-Rated version of a movie? Does anyone ever buy that one?

Get Rich Quick Schemes

So I've been sitting here contemplating ways in which I can possibly get rich quick.

Then I began to realize that no "get rich quick" scheme ever works.

Then I decided it would be a good idea to write a book filled with "get rich quick" schemes that don't work.

And then I can get rich quick.

Short People and Concerts

Short people and concerts don't mix very well.

As a moderately short person myself, I feel I have experienced concert life enough to say that they're a bit unfair for short people.

The thing about concerts is that for the most part, everyone's going to be standing on the floor. If you're sitting, you're going to be at a weird angle and you're going to be far away from the stage and all the energy. Basically you just sucked at getting tickets right when they went on sale if you're sitting in a chair at a concert.

So, when looking at the floor, one can quickly come to many observations on social behavior. The aspect that I will focus on is this: extremely tall people are douchebags and have no consideration for short people at concerts.

It seems that every concert I attend, all tall people push their way to the bar, inconveniencing normal-sized people while making short people miserable. It is excruciatingly frustrating to have to stand on your tip-toes for several hours, if only to see a glimpse of the band on stage through someone's armpit.

My solution is this: there ought to be a short-person section near the front at every concert. Short people would finally be able to see the show while tall people would have no trouble seeing over them.

I suggest this be written as an amendment to the Constitution.

Grills vs. Braces

Speaking of stupid fashion trends, someone please explain to me how the hell braces became cool?

Explain to me the differences here. One of these will get you made fun of, while the other one will have the same people kissing the ground you walk on. One of these will have hit hip-hop songs written about their "awesomeness" and the other one is braces.

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS WHICH:

vs.

Give up? Yeah it's pretty hard. The first one is the cool monstrosity to have.

What if a person got diamonds in their braces? Would that make them cooler?

Stickers on Baseball Hats

Buying a baseball hat and not taking off the sticker makes you a tool.

I keep seeing people buying baseball hats and keeping all the tags and stickers on the hat, for some reason to prove that the hat was in fact bought at one point in time.
Fake baseball fans wear one of two teams' hats: New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox. If you see someone wearing New York or Boston paraphernalia, ask them to name one Yankee or Red Sock (Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and David Ortiz don't count. They've been on video game covers).

Also, what the hell is wrong with people who don't curve the bill of their baseball hat? Not only is this uncomfortable and bad at blocking the sun, but it looks absolutely retarded.

I just don't understand the mindset one has to have to have in order to conform to such ridiculous trends in style such as this.

4-Square

Why is there no professional 4-Square? I mean, really?

4-Square might in fact be the most perfect sport ever created, but there are still no televised games of it on ESPN. Explain that to me.

We have to deal with having lame-ass professional Lacrosse teams, but no 4-Square leagues? What the hell is that?

Hell, even dodgeball is beginning to come into everyone's radar, but the game that recess was founded on is still absent in the minds of the public.

Unbelievable.

Very unimpressive.

Moats are LAME.

I was sitting here pondering what my castle will be like once I decide to build it.

I was thinking about how I will protect myself from people who want to be me, and then I remembered how most castles have these things called "moats" that surround the residence.

These "moats" consist of water, and only water. Which is lame.

I was trying to think of other, more awesome things to have instead of just a strip of water surrounding my castle and I came up with a few ideas pretty quickly:

1. Quicksand.

Quicksand is awesome because you can't just swim out of it like you can water. Why would I want my attackers to be able to get away? That's stupid.

2. Lava

Although it might be hard, I think that I would be able to eventually figure out how to get a "moat" of lava surrounding my castle. In a few years when I have begun being worshiped by enough people, I'm sure there will be some engineers from Germany or something that will create an effective means of containing lava for long periods of time.

3. Water (filled with alligators and sharks)

If I decide to be lazy in the future once I have my castle, and just have water surrounding my castle, I'm going to put some living things in it. I thought about just having starving alligator mothers chillin' out in there, who would eat anyone that got near their babies, but then I thought that sharks might be a good idea too. I might as well put a bunch of jellyfish in there for good measure just to scare people. Because jellyfish are scary as hell.

4. Habanero Sauce

Habanero Sauce is very spicy. I would imagine if only a few drops can hurt your tongue, a river of sauce could hurt even more.


In conclusion, my castle will be impossible to get into unless you're invited.

The Horror.