The Funniest Form of Transportation

I have been spending a majority of the last 48 months heading intensive, extensive research on what I believe is one of the most pressing issues of our time: The question of what the most amusing form of transportation on the planet earth is.

After much struggle, internal debate, and thorough analysis over my evidential findings, I have come to my dramatic conclusion.

The funniest form of transportation is The Waddle.

M. Night Shyamalan

M. Night Shyamalan better get his damn act together.

I keep seeing trailers and advertisements for his upcoming movie The Happening and I keep almost getting excited. Why? Because his last few movies have sucked donkey balls.

Lady in the Water was a pile of horse manure and was one of the hardest movies to not walk out of the theater I've ever seen. You know a movie is bad when the only motivation to stay in the theater is that you spent $8 to get in.

The Village was also bad. Who didn't see that ending coming from a mile away? I was halfway through and was like, "Oh I bet I know what the CRAAAAAZY ending to this movie's going to be."

I think M. Night Shymalan should cut it out with the whole plot twist thing. I can understand having it in there if it's going to improve the story (as in his first three major motion pictures), but if it's going to be completely out of left field, just leave it be.

Also, what's with Mark Wahlberg acting all "nice" in these The Happening trailers? He's supposed to be a badass who's an angry asshole to everyone. It just feels awkward not having him be pissed all the time.

Elbow Skin

I have decided my favorite part of the body is the little bit of skin that hovers over the elbow.

Pinch that skin really hard. Do you feel that? Exactly, you feel nothing. That's the coolest thing in the world.

I bet Superman's entire body is covered in elbow skin, because he doesn't feel pain.

When I was in Jr. High, I told everyone to start calling their elbow skin "The LeRoy" and it caught on like wildfire. I'm totally serious when I say that when I was 12 years old, I had hundreds of people talking about how awesome their "LeRoys" were.

I miss being 12.

Cold Temperatures and Civilization

I live in Minnesota, and I am cold. I want to know why in the world civilization ever occurred in cold climates. There is no legitimate reasoning why anyone would wish to construct and civilize a land that is below freezing a minimum of nine months out of the year.

Winter sucks in general. Post-Christmas, snow is just a pain in the ass. There isn't any pro to snow in general, except that it might allot to the canceling of school once every couple of years. But that doesn't happen often enough, so I don't count that as a pro.

I also don't like waking up in pitch-black darkness every day. There's nothing more disheartening than waking up when it's still nighttime and having to drag yourself out of bed to take a shower and then go outside and having your hair freeze. And then you die.

And don't give me that, "But it's so pretty" B.S. You and I both know that we're going to step in puddles on our way to where we're going today and see a bunch of muddy poop-colored snow trailing behind every vehicle.

Winter should be illegal.

Emo: Is it over yet?

Have we gotten past the Emo phase yet?

An open question to all douchebag conformists who felt the urge to look like hey had a dead raccoon on their head: Are you ashamed yet?


How did this become a style? It's like a generation of geeks saw gothic kids and decided they were too scary so they decided to look like clowns instead. I don't even mind that the music is absolutely horrible, because I have this strange superpower of being able to avoid the radio and MTV.

But when I see some emo douchebag walking around, with artificial hair and skin and personality, I can't help but ask: why are you holding onto this horrible faded fashion trend?

Why would you join it in the first place?

Are you Edward Scissorhands?